Red-carpet rookie Scott Feinberg recently hit the Tribeca Film Festival's premiere of the Madonna-produced documentary I Am Because We Are, where his attempt to "question the most popular female music artist of the last thirty years" was met with a classic A-list stonewall. After voluntarily moving to the end of the press line, and after making the least of his audiences with Rosie O'Donnell and Bernadette Peters, and at that first glint of hope that maybe a $15 cab ride and all that waiting might pay off, comes the reality check: "I stick out my handheld recorder and, as she stands before me, ask the one question that I have been plotting for the entire wait—a question that I believe is of rare substance, deliberately flattering, and therefore inviting: 'Madonna! When did you first realize that you could use your celebrity for good, like you have done with this movie?' She heard me over the noise! She pauses for a split second! She opens her mouth to respond! And then... her 'handlers' guide her away." Ha! While it doesn't beat that one time we got called "white trash" at the New York premiere of Lust, Caution, we sympathize. You've gotta pay your dues, kid. [And the Winner Is]

Madonna's new album, Hard Candy, comes out on the 29th. Can't wait that long? Geez, what's wrong with you? But, okay, here are here are seven high quality tracks off the album.

Or maybe she's just pretending to be an embarrassing mom. To, you know, make her seem human again. Also, "wellies"? Oh really, Maddy. [From Showbiz Spy]

[Madonna heading to her private gym (like she does every goddamn day) in London today; image via INF]

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."

When it comes to Britney Spears' hard knocks and how she should fix 'em, everybody seems to have an opinion. (Ours is that she might want to consider a lovely little vacation in Kentwood, where there are plenty of doctors and no paparazzi). But rarely have the celebs offering their support come across as even more insane than Britney herself. Cue Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell.

The world has changed since Madonna sneaked, Grinch-like, into a little African Whoville and stole a Christmas tree. I mean baby. When the singer/aging woman adopted little David Banda from Malawi, the demand for exotic foreign babies (but not the disease-riddled ones!) skyrocketed. This is a good thing, yeah? Well, actually, maybe not so good.

It's not just British tabloids ripping apart celebrity body parts; now their own trainers are turning against them to make a buck. Fitness expert Rob Parr has written the summer release Star Quality, in which he shells out detail after "fleshy" detail about the problem areas of stars like Demi Moore, Naomi Watts, and Madonna. And though the blurbs on the back merely outline the "types" of bodies each star had (hourglass, long and slender, and athletic, respectively), he delves far deeper into their Before states in the pages: "

Pop singer and old curmudgeon Madonna is gracing yet another magazine cover. You'd think she was promoting a new album and her directorial film debut or something. This time it's the May issue of Nina Garcia's little 'zine Elle, both the US and UK editions. And the covers are different! The US version (left) is a modestly suggestive fashion pose, while the UK version features a scantily clad Madge using a rope like a stripper pole. The US headline says "Madonna Opens Up," while the UK edition promises an interview that is "intimate" and "outrageous." What does this say about our two nations? Do the Brits simply have a higher tolerance for 50-year-old lady bits? Are we just prudes? Larger image after the jump. [US image via Elle, UK via Stylefrizz]

• Probably trying to dispel rumors she's about to divorce Guy Ritchie, and also drum up more publicity for her new album, Madonna overshared about her sex life to magazine Elle, saying screwing Ritchie is "amazing," even though both husband and wife sleep with BlackBerrys under their pillows. Elle pics are here. (Photo: Vanity Fair via Daily Mail)

Have the airbrushing elves at Vanity Fair gotten a little too nip-and-tucky in their April cover story on Madonna? As those nitpicky Fleet Street Brits over at The Daily Mail suggest, photos from inside the mag that show the nearly 50 year-old legend contorting herself into all sorts of quasi-sexy poses to prove her flexibility, barely resemble actual pictures taken of Madonna in real life. Madge was happy to show off her massive muscles at this year's Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, and she rarely attempts to cover up when snapped venturing in and out of the gym, so why would the art directors at VF feel the need to smudge away each and every sign of her taut muscles? A mag spokesman claims they simply did "just a little work on skin tones and blemishes," but we decided to compare the real Madonna to the magically morphed piece of art seen in this month's issue after the jump:

As some of our commenters have suggested, Madonna's statements about a faded, duller New York City come pretty darn close to summing up the singer herself. Dedicated chronicler of New York Rod Townsend seems to agree. He notes that if you switch her name in for New York's, the quote still works perfectly well: "Madonna is not the exciting person she used to be. She still has great energy; I still put my finger in her socket. But she doesn't feel alive, cracking with that synergy between the art world and music world and fashion world that was happening in the 80s. A lot of her has died." Hah! Agreed. Except for the socket part. Oh, and speaking of sticking your finger in a socket, Madge would like to continue her heretofore just slightly unsuccessful movie career with, you know, just a regular old Casablanca remake. Here's hoping they're actually just talking about giving that E! gossip a makeover.

Madonna, in this month's Vanity Fair "Green" issue, says that New York is "not the exciting place it used to be. It still has great energy; I still put my finger in the socket. But it doesn't feel alive, cracking with that synergy between the art world and music world and fashion world that was happening in the 80s. A lot of people died." Oh how novel. This is mighty rich coming from a singer/actress/whateverelse whose only interaction with the city in the past many years has been through carefully planned media events and bodyguard-escorted trips to her schmancy Upper West Side gym. I guess this is just how some artists get when they age, always pining away for the halcyon days, never realizing that they're so entrenched in their mansions and clothing and plundered babies that they wouldn't know "cracking...synergy" if it bit them on the airbrushed ass. [NYMag] Inside photos from the issue after the jump.

We haven't associated sexiness with Brooke Shields since...well, scratch that. Even her so-called hot Calvin Klein ads never really did anything for us in terms of fantasies. As pretty as Brookie may be, her Amazonian stature and broad shoulders never put her at the top of our dream girl list. But during her appearance on last night's Late Show, Shields did her very best to not-so-subtly assure the masses that she is, indeed, one sexy mother. Feigning surprise that Dave just happened to have a copy of her latest spread in this month's Interview, in which she poses for scantily clad photos, Brooke proved that it's possible to accept compliments even when no compliments are actually given.

• It's been so long since actress Winona Ryder stole anything that she's not up on the latest anti-theft technology. A drug store employee said she tried to steal makeup, via her purse, and was caught by the stupid door alarm thing and made to give it back. Wait, people actually stop for those alarms? I am always just waved through. But then my photo isn't taped up in every retail establishment in Los Angeles. [Daily Mail]

Back in October, the horny boys over at Maxim decided to morph into bitchy girls and rank their picks for the top five "unsexiest" women in Hollywood. And while some of their choices are semi-understandable (no offense to our troubled Britney Spears, but we would've ranked her higher than #5), their number one pick has responded to the listing in a very teary fashion. Sarah Jessica Parker was voted #1; as the struggling lad mag's editors put it, "How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with 'sex' in the title?" But after six months of stewing in her own misery, SJP is fighting back:

Between a needles-and-drugs-heavy induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the upcoming release of a hotly buzzed new album touched by Timbahands, cooch-bearing prizefighter Madonna has had a run lately of the sort of positive, lightly controversial publicity that has defined her career from its jelly-bracelet-adorned nascency. But now comes another wave of unwelcome and unorchestrated chatter from the British tabloid press, saying the singer and her filmmaker husband of seven years Guy Ritchie have finally agreed to go their separate ways:

• Britney Spears can't have nice things because men will take them from her. Yesterday her dad got permission from a judge to sell off at least some of the singer's cars, and it emerged that former hanger-on Sam Lutfi allegedly intercepted "hundreds of thousands of dollars worth" of jewelry, fur coats and other luxury items intended for Spears.

• Exciting! Exclusive! News! The former governor was seen wearing a windbreaker in his lobby!
  

Madonna, who will be fifty this summer, is releasing her new record on April 29th. This is the album cover. Happy Friday. Image People via The Superficial]