You wish you were cool enough to have mob bosses after your head, like GOP presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. Two out of five mafia bosses wanted to waste Giuliani in the 80s, when the future mayor was all up in their business. "The reality is, I've dealt with this all of my life," Giuliani told Fox last week. "If you've got to live with threats, you live with threats." Oh, what a badass. But where oh where does this moxie disappear to when Judith calls him in the middle of a major political event? Earlier this month, Giuliani took his wife's call smack dab in the middle of a televised speech he was giving to the NRA. "If he wants voters to respect his privacy, he ought to show some respect for basic manners," wrote John Fund in the Wall Street Journal. In all fairness to Rudy, Fund isn't exactly the arbiter on etiquette—we hear the columnist has absolutely terrifying table manners.

Did you know that many mafia members are pretty much just like teenage girls? It's true! Because they gossip and pass notes and arrange for the deaths of their many frenemies! Vincent Basciano, former hair salon owner (see?) and boss of the Bonanno crime family, has been accused by his jailers "of having an 'unusual sophistication' at passing notes." And he's embroiled in a terribly complicated plot to pretend he wants to kill someone and having a list of people he's trying to put Voodoo curses on and then there's all this note-passing. What a girl! Does he write his hit lists in pink gel pens and keep them in Lisa Frank folders?

You really can't have enough love for the kids at The Smoking Gun, whose propensity for creative gift-giving knows no limits. For their 2004 holiday gift, they sent out loofahs packaged as Bill O'Reilly Falafels; last year, we received bottles of Valerie Flame hot sauce. God knows what the 2006 season will bring, but in the meantime they've created a fantastic promotional gift for their new book, The Dog Dialed 911: 2000 authentic John Gotti prison-worn uniform bookmarks. Just like game-worn baseball cards, which feature a fabric swatches from athletes' uniforms, the Gotti prison-worn bookmark features a fabric swatch from a prison uniform actually worn by late don John Gotti while locked up at the federal penitentiary in Marion, Illinois. Gotti's widow, Victoria, who was not consulted on the matter, tells the Daily News, "I find it macabre, to say the least." Macabre, sure — but promoting literacy always comes first.

Big news in TabloidTown: Daily News reveals that their rivals at the Post have ties to La Cosa Nostra.

The Black Table has an interesting piece written by Mia Amato, who had the strange fortune of being screened as a potential juror for the trial of John Gotti Jr. Somewhat remarkably, Amato made it to the voir dire phase of screening, where the judge began to ask personal questions: