Anthony Martignetti, proprietor of the Douchebag Restaurant Hall of Fame contender Bar Martignetti, is contemplating opening another restaurant. He tells New York "I had a breakfast meeting at Pastis with a real-estate broker. We're looking at a couple of spots downtown [for a new restaurant] — I can't really say until we sign the lease. Pastis is very close to one of them we're looking at." BLAARG!!!

A unified front of left-leaning ice-friendly countries, led by Russia and including Canada and Denmark, has begun to emerge from the once-frosty north. So far, they're just demanding the immediate return of all the ice they lost this summer. (This year, "six Californias" of open water appeared in the Arctic.) But what no one has asked is: Why do these fringey countries like ice so much? Is it because they have nothing else? Unfortunately, now that Canada's dollar is oddly similar to an actual dollar and a donut at any one of the 2,733 Canada-based Tim Horton's costs like four actual dollars, we must listen to their distress. But they are misguided! God's great plan for His world has at last granted Canada a Northwest Passage! Freed from this sad dependence on ice and misery, Canadian sea shipping lane dominance will turn Toronto into the new Tokyo, and Montreal into the new Seoul! Though Regina will still suck pretty bad.

The Marc Jacobsification of the West Village is like a slow gay manifest destiny. The ass-baring designer is opening his third store on Bleecker Street. Like the Creek, Navajo and Shoshone before them, the natives are upset. According to one West Village resident quoted in the Villager, "They scream, they shout, they bang the metal door constantly," said Patricia Avallone, a longtime resident at 96 Perry St. "I think something has happened here that should not have happened." And then the gays weighed in.