At the 41st Berlin Marathon on Sunday morning, Dennis Kimetto beat the world record for the fastest-run marathon, shaving off 26 seconds of the original 2:03:23 record. "The fans made me confident and I thought I could do it," he said.

What if I told you that mozzarella sticks never had to end? That for $10, you could eat for free (for $10) for the rest of your natural life? That there exists a spot in the space-time continuum in which it is always Friday? That there are free refills on all Slushes™ excluding Red Bull® branded items?

It was bad enough that Paul Ryan compulsively lied about his marathon time, but now comes word that, among recent vice-presidential candidates who ran marathons, Ryan is only the third fastest. John Edwards posted the fastest time at three hours and thirty minutes. Impressive, if not super surprising; you don't get to be as monstrously vain and awful as him without a masochistic workout regimen. The real surprise here, though – and the one sure to sting the most to Ryan – is the report that former Alaska Governor and current reality TV matriarch Sarah Palin ran a marathon in three hours and fifty-nine minutes, a full two minutes faster than Ryan's time.

Sugar cereal! Plan B! Nocturnal diabetes! Elderly presidents! Breast cancer! Parkinson's dancing! Bedbug breeding! Marathon hearts! And America's most and least healthy states, revealed! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—grrrrreatly!

Live-streaming? Boring. Live-Tweeting? Laaaame. Live-sketching is where it's at, kids! Christoph Niemann, who draws a fantastic column for The New York Times Magazine, just finished live-sketching the New York City Marathon as he ran it—meaning that he's both a more talented artist than you and in better shape. You can take a look back through his marker—and, for the last couple miles, paint—renditions at his Twitter accounts @AbstractSunday and @AbstractSunday1. Neimann didn't stop to do these drawings (though we bet he slowed down for the hard stuff)—we're told he was practicing for months to get the hang of sketching and running simultaneously. (We've been practicing for years and we can barely run, period, so we're in awe). [NYTM, @AbstractSunday]

Drug approval! Earthquake danger! Child risks! Ending aging! Cancer marathon! Texas therapy! Pneumonia vaccination! Robot walking! And a whole new way of looking at regulation! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a heavy heart!

Cookie monsters! Fewer french fries! Cancer exercise! Lo-carb crapola! Dumb dieters! Daniel Baldwin's workout! Grip strength! Dip belts! Inspirational marathoners! And a NYSC dance instructor must be rehired at once! It's your Thursday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—feverishly!

A 400-pound former sumo wrestling champ, Kelly Gneiting of Arizona, now owns the Guinness World Record for "Heaviest Person to Complete a Marathon" after finishing the LA Marathon yesterday in 9 hours 48 minutes 52 seconds.

On Saturday, 49-year-old Belgian runner Stefaan Engels completed his 365th marathon. In a row. That's 9,569 miles in seven different countries, averaging about four hours a marathon. Dude: There are easier ways to get book deals.

Well, this is unfortunate! Here's a video of the final seconds of last weekend's Tokyo-Hakone relay marathon. Watch as—with less than 200 meters to go—longtime frontrunner Natsuki Terada makes an accidental wrong turn and loses the race. Ouch.

It took the runners hours to finish, but thanks to this MTA time-lapse video, you can watch the joggers in yesterday's NYC Marathon begin the race by crossing the Verrazano bridge in no time at all. Participation is overrated anyway.

Sweat lodges! Tuna poisoning! Viagra dystrophy! Doctor impatience! Strength in adversity! Missing marathons! Alcohol benefits! Obesity costs! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—icthyologically!

Marathon knees! Sports psychology! Biggest Loser workouts! Kettlebell ignorance! Football training! Booty fat! And the path to elite eliteness! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—dismissively, jealously, or, both!

If you missed the Community marathon that NBC aired last night, we've totally got you covered. The bad news? The hilarious duo failed to get a laugh out of us in these cheesy, laugh-track-filled spots.

When you go to work out should you be all focused and intense and hardcore, or should you just be flipping through some magazine on the elliptical, while sexting? Well, look at it this way: Do you want to die?