Marc Jacobs, the prancing prince of fashion week, is spouting off about how his show is "not going to have celebrities," because they're "boring." Sorry, Marc, but that is bullshit. You are too reliant on stars to quit them now.

• Marc Jacobs says he's totally over having celebrities at his fashion shows because it's boring, and the only reason Lady Gaga and Madonna turned up to his show last year was because Gaga was performing at the after-party and Madonna, well, she just showed up. "She came backstage, and I was like, 'What do you do with her now?' Because it's not like she was invited." Somewhere, Madonna is burning all of her Marc Jacobs clothing. [P6]
• Rumors have been swirling recently that Ben Affleck fell off the wagon recently and is now drinking again. (He checked himself into rehab back in 2001.) On Monday, a bearded Affleck was spotted "cruising aimlessly" at the Chateau Marmont and "looking worse for wear." Uh oh. [NYDN]
• Tiger Woods mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, has scored herself a job. A day after sitting down with Extra's Mario Lopez for an interview and now the show has hired her as its new nightlife correspondent. Just like hooker-turned-sex columnist Ashley Dupre, Uchitel is proving that you can make a big bunch of terrible decisions in life and come out ahead in the end, provided you have no shame and a burning desire to be famous. [P6]

Nuclear Wintour may be blocking SuBo from Vogue—but her motive would be pure. Rachel Uchitel gets a job, Madonna gets a new beau. Is the "oral surgery" delaying Lil' Wayne's incarceration for his grill? Wednesday gossip cometh.

Marc Jacobs hasn't joined Twitter yet. But Robert Duffy, his longtime business partner, has. And in so doing he appears to have discovered that Jacobs has something of a fan base. Imagine that!

• Is it possible that Natalie Portman isn't as sweet as she looks? She reportedly started seeing her new boyfriend, New York City Ballet dancer Benjamin Millepied, while he was still dating—and living with—his girlfriend of three years. Portman and Millepied began dating in the fall, but the girlfriend reportedly only got the shaft just after New Year's, poor thing. [P6]
• So are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up or not? One possible sign they are not separating: Pitt was seen returning to the LA home he shares with Jolie yesterday. One sign they are: A British tabloid reports Pitt "secretly" (or not-so-secretly) purchased "a bachelor pad to help him sort out his split from Angelina Jolie," and it's equipped with underground cave "where he can be alone and think about what he does next." Take your pick. [TMZ, DM]
• There's a new party boy in town at Sundance, and his name is Bill Gates. The 54-year-old nerd/philanthropist was spotted dancing on a banquette until 2am and confessed he was on the prowl for "that chick from Twilight" (Kristen Stewart), because he wanted to "see her movie." Or something. [P6]

Logo announced today that it picked up the "gay housewives" show Kept, to launch in October, but they're still looking for one more cast member. Maybe that's because some gay-listers have already turned it down. Like who?

Madonna and Sean Penn having laff riots, reminding us of Gossip's Glory Days. Jay-Z and Jonathan Safran Foer meat in the middle. Snooki's Fist Pump fees. Kate Gosselin's new 'do/Jon Gosselin's new "do." Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

So much for that report about Marc Jacobs getting married to fiancé Lorenzo Martone on St. Barts earlier this week. A rep for the designer says it was just an engagement party (albeit one that happened to involve the presence of a wedding cake). [Us, The Cut, previously]

We're starting to fall in love with Marc Jacobs' unabashed faggotry, including the shirtless wedding cake topper at his marriage ceremony in St. Bart's. That's why he and Lorenzo Martone have been on the beach so long, it's a honeymoon!

Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone were supposed to get married in Provincetown this past summer. They never ended up going through with it for whatever reason, although that may have changed over New Year's vacation. According to the fashion blog Styleexperts, the couple tied the knot in a private ceremony on St. Barts earlier this week, an event that was hosted by art dealer Larry Gagosian and which featured a cake topped with an edible Jacobs (sans shirt), Martone (dressed in a tux), and two of their dogs. [Styleexperts via GoaG]

[That's fashion designer Jacobs and his bf Lorenzo Martone on the beach in St. Bart's. Martone appears to be reading a 'Twilight' book. Which, ha. Image via Bauer-Griffin. Click for larger.]

• Is Tiger Woods in New York right now? Did he settle with his estranged wife by handing her a check for $300 million? In two pretty dubious stories now making the rounds, a friend of Elin Nordegren says Woods' scorned wife—who spent the holiday weekend at a French ski resort—has been telling pals she got a $300 million gift for Christmas from her estranged husband. Meanwhile, rumors also surfaced that Woods was spending the weekend holed up at New York's Trump International Hotel, where he ordered huge amounts of Red Bull and vodka and was accompanied by a "leggy blond." Alas, the paparazzi camped out outside the hotel never caught a glimpse of him and the hotel staff denied Woods was ever there. [NYDN, NYP]
• Down in St. Barts, Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich made it rain by hosting a $5 million New Year's Eve party at his $90 million estate. Beyoncé, Gwen Stefani and Prince all performed at the shindig, and the Russian mogul's party—along with fetes hosted by Larry Gagosian and Paul Allen—attracted a long list of boldface names to the island, including Jay-Z, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr, Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone, Rachel Zoe, Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman, and Russell Simmons. For her part, Lindsay Lohan spent much of the weekend aboard Abramovich's boat, where she was seen jet-skiing and shopping in a teeny bikini and ginormous wedge heels. She also sent out a rather ominous tweet on New Year's Eve: "Everyone get ready for more (but positive—LOHAN MAYHEM!!!" Sigh. [NYP, People, DM]
• According to Peter Biskind's new biography of Warren Beatty—and some "simple arithmetic" on the part of Biskind—the actor has bedded 12,775 women during his lifetime. Annette Bening must be so proud. [NYP]

Uber-rich playplace Saint Barthélemy suffers from the unbearable lightness of too much fabulous; Gloria Allred aims at Shaq; Mike Tyson won't be charged for beating a paparazzo; Michelle beats Barack at tennis. New year, new gossip.

[Marc Jacobs divas it up on the beach today in Saint Barts while significant otter Lorenzo Martone snaps some new pics for his Facebook page. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Designer Narcisco Rodriguez looks on as club promoter Suzanne Bartsch, Marc Jacobs, and gym owner David Barton pose at David Barton Gym's annual toy drive. This is how they do Christmas in Chelsea. Image via Getty]

• Two weeks after it was reported that Richard Gere had found a buyer for his condo at Julian Schnabel's Palazzo Chupi, city property records indicate he's closed on the deal. Gere sold the 3,500-square-foot pad for $11 million, which is $1 million less than what he paid for it and $6.995 million less than what he was seeking when he first put the apartment on the market last year. As for who will be moving into Gere's former pad, he/she remains a mystery for the moment: The buyer is listed on the deed as Mercator 360 LLC. [Curbed]
• Brian Brille, Bank of America's former head of investment banking and its newly appointed Asia-Pacific chief, has closed on the sale of his 5,473-square-foot apartment at Trump Park Avenue for $14 million. Brille went into contract to sell the third-floor condo in October. [Real Deal, previously]
• Martin Begun, the husband of real estate marketing guru Louise Sunshine, has gone into contract to sell his 36th-floor apartment at One Beacon Court. The two-bedroom condo, which Sunshine's real estate broker son, Sam, listed for $6.75 million last month, is being picked up by a former JPMorgan investment banker who already owns an apartment in the building. [NYT]

OK, we get it—Sienna Miller walks her dog. Does that mean you have to take her picture doing it every god damn day? No! And this isn't the only snap we see ad infinitum. Make it stop!

Meg Ryan and Nora Ephron leaving Esca after having lunch on Friday ... Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone walking in the West Village ... Celine Dion and Rene Angelil leaving their hotel en route to lunch at Da Tommaso on Eighth Avenue ... Alex Rodriguez walking in Midtown ... Jessica Stam hanging with boyfriend Austin Cregg and friends downtown ... Shia LaBeouf listening to music on the set of Wall Street 2 ... Nicole Kidman getting out of a car with daughter ... Taylor Momsen walking to the set of Gossip Girl ... James Gandolfini signing autographs outside the Bernard Jacobs Theatre ... Ruben Studdard arriving at JFK ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts pushing son Samuel in a stroller ... and Sienna Miller getting out of a cab.

[Alien princess Daphne Guinness asked to be taken to our leader and they took her to Marc Jacobs, queen of the fashion gays, at the launch party for NARS 15X15 in New York last night. Image via Getty]

• Did you catch dethroned beauty queen Carrie Prejean's hissy fit on Larry King Live last night? It was awkward TV at its finest. [TMZ, YouTube]
• Mike Tyson had a meltdown of his own yesterday. When a paparazzo got a little too close for comfort at LAX, Tyson dropped the photog to the floor with one punch to the face. Both men were later arrested. [LAT, NYDN]
• The latest recorded phone call courtesy of Michael Lohan has Dina Lohan telling her ex that "time is running out" for Lindsay and she's started drinking again. As for how LiLo feels about having her dad air the family's dirty laundry: "My father knows nothing other than now to sell stories for money instead of getting a real job like normal people do, including myself." Lindsay is a normal person with a real job? Who'd have guessed? [Radar, MSNBC]
• Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone were supposed to get married over the summer. But it never happened and now Martone says the couple's decided to wait until after the holidays to tie the knot. "Who wants to get married during a busy season like this? I don't want my friends having to use their lunch break to get me gifts." How thoughtful! [P6]