Rick Perry’s presidential campaign launched today on the premise that you don’t need to be able to count to three as long as you can push the red button. But amid his militaristic orgy of self-praise, dumb media people had a dumb media argument about the emo twins flanking Perry. Caitlyn Jenner was involved.

Oh, those damned namby-pamby leftists with their weak-ass hashtag slacktivism. If only they knew that what really changes the world is dudes with guns. Thankfully, Marine Todd here will set them straight. With a hashtag sign. Get it? Har har!

You know what America has too much of? Godless socialist hippie brainwashing of our youth, who are the future. You know what America needs? Some Marine Todds to crack hippie skulls. You know who Aaron Miller is? He's the evolution-hatin' Marine Todd our Congress needs!

A British sniper in Afghanistan reportedly fired one bullet at a jihadi from 930 yards and blew up his bomb vest, killing him and his five jihadi buddies. Then the sniper went to college, choked out a lib professor, beat Obummer in the Super Bowl, and married a beautiful blonde virgin.