Try as he might, 44-year-old Kevin Fant couldn't get off. The former transit officer was sentenced to two months in jail this week, punishment for masturbating in a Philadelphia subway car while off-duty last year.

Last weekend, 27-year-old Nicholas Gonzales got drunk in Louisville, Kentucky. Then, as drunk people tend to do, he made a stupid decision and allegedly broke into a nearby firehouse, smashing one of the building's windows. When firefighters went to investigate the sound of broken glass, they found Gonzales in the midst of an act that they probably weren't expecting: he was reportedly masturbating onto their gear, which he'd removed from their lockers.

Jason Russell, the co-founder of Invisible Children and father of the five-year-old who featured in the viral KONY 2012 video, was detained in San Diego last night for "being drunk in public and masturbating," NBC San Diego reports. I know. I know.

Last week was a rough one for United Airlines, between its Ground Zero ad controversy and an accidental reinstating of the 9/11 flight numbers. So the last thing it really needed was a sticky P.R. nightmare involving a passenger taking the old slogan "come fly the friendly skies" to disgustingly literal extremes.

A Detroit Public Schools district superintendent is accusing the board president of masturbating in her presence. She says it was his "usual habit" to fondle himself during meetings and she "tried to ignore it." This is called "The Dov Charney."