Great! Now do it wearing all of Chandler's clothes!

Awards shows are compelling because they're occasions for the rich, famous, and beautiful to go above and beyond to the apogee of glamor. The Golden Globes, however—mostly due to the mass quantities of alcohol and other substances in close proximity—are often the occasion for the glamorous to become beastlike in the blink of an eye. (Except Kate Winslet. She is never not absolutely fabulous.)

News comes in today that James Van Der Beek, former Dawson's Creek star and beautiful weep-god from teary heaven, has taken a role on a new sitcom pilot, Don't Trust the Bitch in Apt. 23 (soon to be retitled The Girl Next Door or something equally tame, I'm sure). And it's not just any part; he'll be playing the dynamic role of... himself!

On last night's Episodes, a drunk Matt LeBlanc (playing an exaggerated version of himself) had to call in Sean and Beverly to help him escape a messy situation with a paparazzo.

Today at Gawker.TV, Matt LeBlanc returns to TV with Episodes, SNL's ode to poor New Yorkers, Bob's Burgers, unfortunate cell phone timing, and Peter Griffin's mind explodes into Madonna's "Ray of Light" after trying Red Bull for the first time.

Matt Le Blanc is back and he's playing himself on the new Showtime series Episodes. Is this show, about a British show being adapted for American TV, worth getting excited over?

Remember when Showtime released a clip of last January? Well, almost a year later the show is ready to make its debut. Episodes features Matt LeBlanc as a struggling actor trying to make a comeback. How very meta!

[After the terrible failure of Joey, Matt LeBlanc needs a little relaxation. Outside a London pub, he pinches his fingers, curls his pinkie, and enjoys a hand-rolled smoking device of some sort. Whatever could be in it? Images via Bauer-Griffin.]

Showtime just released a clip of their upcoming comedy show, Episodes, starring Matt Leblanc as himself. In this clip, he's forced to audition in front of Showtime execs for the role of "Matt Leblanc." He's as confused as we are.

It's a big birthday for Jennifer Lopez. She's celebrating the big 4-0 today. Other people who will be blowing out candles this fine Friday: Broadway star Kristin Chenoweth is turning 41. Anna Paquin is 27. Director Doug Liman turns 44. Director Gus Van Sant is turning 57. Billionaire investor Nelson Peltz is 67. Artist Alex Katz is turning 82. Senator Claire McCaskill is 56. Governor Charlie Crist of Florida is 53. Barry Bonds turns 45. Retired basketball stars Rick Fox and Karl Malone are turning 40 and 46, respectively. Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame is turning 60. Actor Dan Hedaya is 69. And Wonder Woman—actress Lynda Carter—celebrates her 58th birthday today. Weekend birthdays after the jump.

• Lindsay Lohan is turning down a $700,000 offer to pose nude for Playboy, even though she took her top off for New York for free earlier this year. Maybe Hugh should call Dina Lohan? [P6]

Happy 42nd, Christine Quinn! Other people around town celebrating today: Iman is 53, Mets pitcher Billy Wagner is 37, and restaurateur Geoffrey Zakarian is turning 49. Celebs celebrating this weekend: Kevin Spacey will be 49, Kate Beckinsale will turn 35, Mick Jagger will celebrate his 65th, and Sandra Bullock will be 44. Misshapes' Leigh Lezark will turn 24 tomorrow. Artist Tom Sachs will turn 42. Architect Hugh Hardy will be 76. On Sunday, Alex Rodriguez will turn 33. He shares his birthday with Taxi & Limousine commisioner Matthew Daus, hedge fund manager Timothy Barakett, and artist Dash Snow.

Today's Page Six wonders: "WHICH Hollywood trio of friends is in trouble? One is on crack, one's on smack, and the other cheats so much on his wife that he single-handedly is supporting several hookers..." We've narrowed it down to a few possible candidates; your input is, of course, mandatory.

After the poor, doltish man-child Joey Tribbiani moved to Los Angeles and faded into oblivion, we were pretty content with leaving Matt LeBlanc's acting career as a distant, warm memory — like a long-lost cousin whose talent for burping the national anthem was cute when he was 12, but reeks of stale desperation now that he's 40 and still does keg stands. But now, LeBlanc's former manager has incited painful acid flashbacks of the Joey era by slapping him with a lawsuit:

Matt LeBlanc, as we well know, is the National Enquirer's willing bitch, eager to clamp down on their shiny, red ball-gags of divorce exclusives and first-person "The Night My Lap Was Attacked By A Runaway Stripper's Ass" tell-alls, in exchange for what we can only assume is the assurance that a manila envelope marked "M.L.'s 4 a.m. Vaseline Alley Surveillance Pics" remains permanently sealed. The woman to whom the ass in question belongs is now suing LeBlanc for defamation of character, for the ridiculous-sounding claims the Friends star made about her in a fishy interview he granted the Enquirer last year:

Reminding us once again that they almost certainly have a videotape of the former Friends star sodomizing a burlap sack full of defenseless, three-legged kittens that allows them to be your one-stop shop for all Matt LeBlanc-related breaking news, the National Enquirer goes live with a World! Exclusive! on the divorce papers that the actor is reportedly filing today in a Los Angeles court. There are no details about the reasons for the split, but we imagine that things around the LeBlanc household have been pretty tense ever since his wife had to read his hilarious blow-by-blow of what his imaginary, scandal-averting lapdance was like.

· Endeavor partner John Lesher leaves to head up Paramount Classics, which, as an "insider" points out, means no one in charge over there has had any experience making movies. As we pointed out earlier, why is everyone so hung up on this experience crap when there are hugs to be given out? [Variety]
· Under the stewardship of Hall of Fame reliever Rollie Fingers, DirectTV posts a $94 million profit in the third quarter of 2005. Sure, that's the default handlebar mustache joke, but had to be done. [THR]
· Matt LeBlanc is producing The Watch, a film which "revolves around a team of highly specialized soldiers sent to blow up a Nazi fuel depot, only to discover they are being hunted by an evil spirit unleashed by the Nazi's secret occult experiments." And you were worried that he'd never cultivate a respectable career in features! [THR]
· Two weeks into its run, Comedy Central picks up a full season of The Colbert Report. Since we have no wiseass comment on TCR, this would probably be a good time to wonder if The Showbiz Show has been put out of its misery yet. [Variety]

Thanks to a Defamer operative with an advance copy of the National Enquirer and a scanner, we can all share in this preview of Matt LeBlanc's most nuanced acting performance, a selection from his one-man show, "Holy Shit, I'll Do A Hundred Stories About Getting Drunkenly Bronsky'd During A Lapdance, I Swear, Just Don't Run The Real Dirt You Have On Me."

According to Page Six, Matt LeBlanc is making a truly bizarre confession in this week's National Enquirer—and we say "bizarre" not only because LeBlanc is cooperating with the tabloid, but because he makes the activities of a pretty standard lap dance sound as strange and unexpected ("Why does the naked lady keep pushing her boobs in my face???") as a baby elephant in a tutu beating him off in the champagne room: