Oh man, this changes everything! Just kidding.

The All the Real Girls goddess has signed on to a pretty bland- and regular-sounding Fox sitcom, which is too bad. Also today: Tom Cruise is about to get musical, Gerard Butler continues to annoy and confuse, and Miley Cyrus destroys SNL.

John McCain, who loves switching personalities, is trying to reclaim his bipartisan Maverick hero image in the media again, now that he's secured another Senate term. And he'll get it. He always does! It's just too easy for him.

Uh oh, cranky old Senator John McCain's memory is going. "I never considered myself a Maverick," he told Newsweek. Of course, that's just what a real maverick would want you to think.

There's no War on Terror! John McCain is a maverick! Hooray: 2000 is back! September 11th never happened.

Awesome news! The lobbyist who either had an affair with John McCain or convinced his staff that she intended to have an affair with John McCain is suing the New York Times.

Sarah Palin is a lot like that Simpsons Halloween episode where the advertising characters terrorize Springfield: if we stop paying attention to her, she can't hurt us. But no one's able to let her go. Neither the liberals who are alternately amused by and horrified of her and the conservatives split between idolizing and reviling her can let her just go back to Alaska in peace. The Times is still looking into the clothes thing. Olbermann still replays every public statement she makes every night while demanding to know why people still pay her mind. And guess who's still obsessed with her magical pregnancy?

Tim Geithner is Barack Obama's pick for Treasury Secretary, which is probably the most important job in his administration, and no one really quite knows how to feel about that. He's a Rubinite and maybe responsible for killing Lehman but also he's never been a banker, so there you go. But now apparently Tim Geithner is inexplicably going after beloved FDIC chair Sheila Bair. Not Sheila Bair!

So we all know, of course, that Sarah Palin loves Real America, which means the parts of America that are pro-American, which according to recent polls is pretty much between 40 and 45 percent of America, population-wise (but much more, maybe, geographically!). And part of loving pro-America America is hating, obviously, East Coast Elitists and Washington DC and the Beltway and the Georgetown Cocktail Circuit and New York City, and also Hollyweird and San Francisco. The Coasts are not Real America! And especially not Real America are the Media Elites who are threatened by Sarah Palin and John McCain. Except of course obviously those Media Elites created John McCain and Sarah Palin. And Palin and McCain are both crippled by their all-consuming desire to be accepted and loved by those Media Elites. Jane Mayer wrote a very informative piece for this week's New Yorker about how all the chattering classes and cocktail circuit insiders created and sold the Myth of Sarah Palin.

Everyone continues to be terribly impressed by John McCain's awesome ability to bullshit. The man is beloved by the press corps (or, at least, he used to be) because he will say any damn thing that comes to his mind, and what usually comes to his mind is whatever you want to hear. So Slate's Jacob Weisberg sat down with McCain in August of '07, when McCain's campaign was a mess and he was losing. Weisberg asked him how things were going, and McCain answered frankly that everything sucked. How Maverick-y of him not to lie! Then he said Weisberg didn't even have to read McCain's book if he didn't want to. Then McCain criticized the President and his handling of Iraq!

Yesterday, Arianna Huffington revealed that John McCain told her in 2000 that he didn't vote for George W. Bush. Which we believe. We believe that he told her this, anyway. Who knows if it was true then, or now. But McCain denied it, right away. Which leads Arianna to list all the documented times he's blatantly lied about saying something so far this campaign season. A fun little list! Of course it shows why McCain felt comfortable telling Arianna Huffington that he didn't vote for Bush in 2000. And also why he's the most popular guest in Daily Show history!

Arianna Huffington used to be a Republican. She was BFF with Newt Gingrich and everything! Then she switched sides and now she runs a super-liberal website where she occasionally breaks news like this: John McCain didn't vote for George Bush in 2000. But now he's a total Republican sell-out! This disappoints Arianna greatly, because she used to respect him, back when he was a maverick. We're pretty sure he's always been a mean, corrupt old bastard, but whatevs. He's probably disappointed in her, too! [HuffPo]

So now that we know everything we need to know about balls and penises, we've turned our attention to politics, and to the penis of John McCain, the man—the hero—who could be our next president. After the jump, five important facts about John McCain's penis.

Sure, Democratic presidential aspirant Barack Obama's middle name is "Hussein," but it turns out his Panamanian-born Republican counterpart Señor John McCain has a far more shameful middle name, and conservative Republicans are wasting no time humiliating him for it. Right-wing radio host Bill Cunningham went on Fox News and accurately refered to Walnuts as "John Sidney McCain III," which is Republican for "gay Boston Brahmin." Cunningham was ostensibly trying to make the point that middle names don't matter, since he is in hot water for referring to Obama using his middle name at a John "Mexico" McCain rally yesterday. But all he really proved is that middle names are an effective, if cheap, way to slam a politician like foreign dandy Juan McCain. Here is Cunningham making fun of McCain's name, possibly on accident, and generally acting like a two-bit demagogue:

Reporter Michael Isikoff's story of John McCain's unethical relationship with lobbyist Vicki Iseman is up at Newsweek! It's been speculated that news that Isikoff was working on the story is one of the many factors that prompted the New York Times to "rush" their version into print earlier this week. Isikoff's story comes with a nice little mini-bombshell: proof that McCain already lied in his "sweeping denial" of the Times story!

Every year the people you probably think are the worst in the world all gather in Washington, DC for the Conservative Political Action Conference. We went once—it was kinda fun! Ann Coulter says something "shocking" every year and also GOP candidates show up to ask everyone to please vote for them. This year, John McCain—not particularly popular with the CPAC crowd to begin with—will be introduced for his talk by a video of former president and current deathless saint Ronald Reagan. This may not go over well!