Johns Hopkins, one of the world's leading research universities, has apparently been skinning rat penises, pissing off PETA and Ron Jeremy, who has been citing his own penis in an effort to shut the experiments down.

The National Institutes of Health announced today that most of America's federal stockpile of chimpanzees will be permanently retired from biomedical research. Of the 360 chimps currently available for testing, 310 are to be irrevocably assigned to the Federal Sanctuary System. The remaining 50 will still be eligible to be recalled for research, if necessary.