There's no good parts for women, the old Hollywood saying goes, and apparently that even holds true for a chick movie featuring only parts for women called, uh, The Women. Hitting theaters tomorrow, the updating of the 1939 classic hasn't exactly electrified the critical community: Its current Rotten Tomatoes score—hovering there like a pair of neglected ovaries—is 00%. Here's what some of nation's reviewers are saying about it: · "It's finally here, and it's a major dud." [Rolling Stone] · "The Women is such an arduous patchwork of 'issues' it ends up a Frankenstein's monster of a chick flick." [EW] · "This new version of The Women fails to celebrate its characters as women. It patronizes the C-list cast of Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Debra Messing, Eva Mendes, Jada Pinkett Smith, Bette Midler and Candice Bergen as politically correct pawns." [New York Press]· "The Women clangs with so many false moments that you practically leave the theater with tinnitus." [MSNBC] · "The Women isn't so much incompetent — though it has all the visual sumptuousness of a suburban rummage sale — as it is hopelessly tame and muddled. It certainly doesn't help that the movie's lead is completely lacking in the mature glamour that so entranced women filmgoers bracing for a world war, and has had so much plastic correction that her features — all but the ingénue eyes — are immobilized (and this in a movie that sucks whatever laughs it can muster from the Botox-and-surgery subculture). Could that be Meg Ryan peering out from Goldie Hawn's face? Since I have yet to encounter a Ryan comedy in which she fails to flap her hands while pulling on or peeling off woolly socks several fetching sizes too large for her dainty feet, it must be she." [LA Weekly] · "Watching the high profile unveiling of The Women taking over billboards and window displays all over N.Y.C., it's hard not to be reminded of the fanfare surrounding John McCain's introduction of Sarah Palin as his pick for VP. Both are strategic attempts to court the coveted adult female demographic. Both claim to be exactly what the ladies of America have been waiting for. And both miss the mark entirely." [Premiere]

Madonna's publicist isn't talking about what her clients like the Material Girl and Cher are doing to their faces ("I have never represented anyone who has spoken to me about plastic surgery. Nor have I asked them. I don’t want to know!"), but that doesn't mean the doctors, the "dermatologists" and other illustrious characters in the pageant of A-list cosmetic surgery aren't offering up a ghastly state of the union regarding their trade in this week's New York Magazine. Which naturally includes Madonna, the issue's cover girl and unauthorized representative of the New New Face — as opposed to the "Old" New Faces belonging to the mishandled likes of Melanie Griffith and Meg Ryan. What's the difference? It's a little complicated, but let's start with "volumizing" — the part where you jam your own fat into your face:

To say that Meg Ryan's career is in a free-fall would be to imply that her career hasn't already hit rock bottom. While it's true that she's poised for a potential comeback in this fall's remake of The Women, anyone with half a brain realizes that her star died the day the news broke that she was schtupping Russell Crowe on the set of Proof Of Life back in 2000. Making matters even worse for America's Former Sweetheart™, in Meg's newest (straight-to-DVD) movie called My Mom's Hot Boyfriend, she becomes the latest in a long string of actresses to strap herself into a fat suit only to magically "slim down" to win the heart of a handsome man — a trick which stopped being funny the second time that the Friends gang went to that well. While we're not about to get up on a pedestal and start going off about the offensiveness of fat suits, this news did prompt us to go back and take a look at some of the stars who have donned prosthetics to plump up on-screen in the past (rarely, if ever, to humorous effect). Play along with our latest round of Defamer Bingo after the jump.

Keri Russell and her son River going grocery shopping in Brooklyn ... Lindsay Lohan showing up for work on the set of Ugly Betty ... Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly at a parking garage ... Meg Ryan and her son taking a stroll through SoHo ... Ice-T shooting a scene for Law & Order ... Gwyneth Paltrow taking a walk in the Hamptons while Madonna pushes Apple in a stroller ... Ashanti posing for photos in Rockefeller Plaza.

Star Jones eating lunch outdoors at BLT Market .. Kirsten Dunst with coffee and a cigarette downtown ... Kanye West chatting on his cell in the West Village ... Rachel Bilson cooling off with a smoothie ... 50 Cent showing up to court in Islip, NY ... Aaron Eckhart coming back to his hotel after a sweaty afternoon jog ... Heidi Klum leaving her Village apartment building with zebra print luggage ... Richie Sambora showing up in Midtown with his daughter ... Meg Ryan taking a solo stroll through SoHo ... and Pink licking her arm during an outdoor lunch at Cipriani Downtown.

Join us today in mourning a true, trashy landmark among film locations, which Top Gun immortalized with a simple declaration of lust 22 years ago and which a fire completely gutted Thursday afternoon. Yes, folks, San Diego's Kansas City BBQ — where Tom Cruise warbled, ahem, "Great Balls of Fire" to Kelly McGillis and where Meg Ryan ordered Anthony Edwards to "take me to bed or lose me forever" — is but a charred, smoky memory:

Keeping in mind all the optimistic overdrive before and after Sex and the City's $57 million opening weekend, the putative Chick-Flick Revolution should probably feel a little more dug in right now than it actually is. But such is life for the accidental genre, which received another once-over on Sunday at the LAFF when writer-director Diane English discussed (and briefly previewed) her troubled updating of the 1939 all-female ensemble dramedy The Women — a/k/a "Unreleaseable Meg Ryan Project," the subject of its own endless drama and speculation as Warner Bros. determines how it plans to bury it.

Never saying never might be the smart play for Guillermo Del Toro, who once went off so memorably on the Lord of the Rings franchise ("I was never into heroic fantasy. At all. I don't like little guys and dragons, hairy feet, hobbits — I've never been into that at all. I don't like sword and sorcery, I hate all that stuff") only to commit to directing the godforsaken Hobbit two-fer less than two years later. Alas, he's at it again this month in an interview with Complex Magazine, apparently setting himself up for his first stab at romantic comedy after he returns from New Zealand:

Today, People has revealed that Kate Hudson will appear as the cover girl for their 2008 Most Beautiful People issue, and we'd certainly like to send out a hearty congrats to the recently divorced single mom who's currently nursing Owen Wilson back to health. But after taking a look back at the list of stars who've previously nabbed the annual issue's cover spot, we fear there may be a curse accompanying the glossy honor. Sure, Leonardo DiCaprio (1998) and Julia Roberts (2000, 2005) haven't slipped up since having their smiley visage top the list, but a sizeable chunk of the winning alumni eerily saw their public and private lives undergo a downward spiral following their appearance on the issue's cover. We took a closer look at the possible curse-laden honor after the jump:

Over lunch with a friend, Meg Ryan explained why she made the switch from Head & Shoulders shampoo to Selsun Blue. Ryan was simply tired of all the scratching and all of that white stuff on her shoulders. Ryan complained that none of the products various hair stylists worked and only made things worse. "I just zipped into Rite Aid and boom, my hair feels so much healthier," Ryan said.

While AOL has put together a rosy list of the "hottest on-set hookups," complete with lusty make-out pictures and lovey-dovey tales from between the sheets, we feel obligated to point out that not every "hot" and heavy on-set romance leads to a fairy tale ending. In fact, a few of these couples' choices to get busy in between scenes wreaked havoc on both their personal and professional lives, leading some to lose their spouses, their reps and, in Angelina Jolie's case, a tattoo or two. We put together our own list of the top five most ill-fated on-set hookups, mainly to remind these bed-hopping stars that sometimes it's best to just say no to illicit trailer sex.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so do your duty and send them in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you couldn't stop giggling thinking about a Tell Me You Love Me star's stunt-cock mishaps at The Grove.

· Finally, some good news for Lindsay Lohan: After convincing Poor Things producers Shirley MacLaine and Rob Hickman that she's confident she'll be able to step right in and disrupt their production with blown call times and suspicious absences the moment she gets out of rehab, they've agreed to rearrange their shooting schedule to accommodate the troubled actress's inconvenient trip to Promises. [Variety]
· Proving once again that there is no comic book franchise Hollywood won't take a crack at adapting, Warner Bros. is producing a live-action version of DC sidekick title (Robin! Kid Flash! Aqualad! The Bastard Son Who Keeps Tagging Along When Green Lantern Is Trying To Fight Sinestro!*) Teen Titans. [THR]
· Little Miss Sunshine writer Michael Arndt, contracted to script a remake of the 1939 comedy Midnight for Universal, might need to get some better dreams: "Being given the chance to update the film with Reese [Witherspoon] in the lead is simply a dream come true." [Variety]
· Just throw a brick through your TV screen and buy a new one in the Fall: So You Think You Can Dance wins Wednesday night for Fox. [THR]
· How hot is 1939 right now? Writer/director Diane English is going forward with a long-gestating remake of 1939's The Women, assembling what she hopes is the ultimate chick flick cast, one that spans generations and levels of acting ability: Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Jada Pinkett Smith, Debra Messing, and Candice Bergen. [Variety]
[*Probably not a real character, so please, no e-mails.]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in as quickly as your little fingers can type them. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Eric Clapton folding his underwear in public.

Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Now They're Really, Really Out Of Ideas, We Mean It This Time Edition: Paramount, Eddie Murphy, and producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura will work closely to "reinvigorate" and "update" the Beverly Hills Cop franchise. We expect that Paramount will immediately hire Moby to re-record the "Axel F" theme, put in a call to Josh Hartnett's people to gauge his interest in being "the next Judge Reinhold," and deposit $30 million in Murphy's bank account to prove to the star how important retaining the integrity of the franchise is to them. [Variety]
Warner Bros. signs up George Clooney to star in and produce an adaptation of the James Ellroy novel White Jazz and to direct the heist flick The Belmont Boys, and in return for his involvement in these more creatively satisfying projects, Clooney has agreed to appear in Ocean's Fourteen through Twenty-Eight for the studio. Under this latest art-for-commerce swap, should Clooney expire or lose his Old Hollywood good looks before the production of the latter sequels, Warner Bros. has the right to use a digital recreation of the actor to complete his commitment. [THR]
Disney's screening Apocalypto for just about every group that might be remotely interested in the film (even the media!), hoping that the public will forget about Mel Gibson's interesting, tequila-amplified thoughts on Jews and judge the films on its own, Mayan-talkin', graphically violent merits. [Variety]
Facelift enthusiast Meg Ryan now officially unrecognizable enough to play a thinly veiled Carrie Fisher. [THR]
· On the last day of November sweeps, ABC discovers that Show Me the Money and Day Break are pretty poor substitutes for Dancing with the Stars and Lost. [Variety]

Dennis Quaid has hopped right onto Teri Hatcher's confessional bandwagon, telling a fitness magazine of his shameful struggle in the mid 90s with male anorexia, Page Six reports:

· We thought that there was no new territory to mine in Brokeback Mountain parodies, but Brokeback Squadron, the unforgettable tale of a couple of hotshot pilots' forbidden love, can be our wingman any time.
· The Blowing Smoke blog gets an advance look at The CW's Fall schedule.
· The very brave Brooke Shields risks Tom Cruise's renewed wrath by preparing to bring yet another child into the world.
· Meanwhile in other baby-related news, Meg "America's Sweetheart, Before All The Chilling Plastic Surgery" Ryan gets it all wrong by adopting a Chinese baby. You're supposed to go Cambodian, Meg. Have you learned nothing from Angelina?
· Meanwhile In other Angelina Jolie-related news, Film Stew says Jolie extorted People into giving money to charity in exchange for bump pics.
· ABC's Steve McPherson has the hots for John Stamos, but might lose him to NBC's Kevin Reilly.

• Best. Headline. Ever: "Hilton Publicists Fight Paris Peeing Claims." Do you even need the accompanying story? Oh, hell yes, you do. A Maui taxi driver claims that heiress was so drunk she pissed herself in the cab, creating a mess the driver was then forced to mop up with a towel. Of course, he has the towel and plans to using her DNA to prove his claim. We can't wait 'til we have the chance to buy that very towel on eBay. [WENN]
• Meg Ryan adopts a Chinese baby, names him Naddox, and hopes for a career miracle. [IMDb]
• Desperate to be remembered for something more than "Hey Ma," rapper Cam'ron releases an eight minute dis on Def Jam chair and professional Hova Jay-Z. [R&M]
• Sony Corp. chief Sir Howard Stringer tells bad jokes; Lloyd Grove dutifully transcribes. [Lowdown]
• Chef Rocco DiSpirito isn't gay. He just hangs with lap-dancing trannies. [Page Six]

In perhaps the most elaborate Halloween costumes we've seen yet, Renee Zellweger absolutely nails the post-op tragedy of Meg Ryan, while Robert DeNiro Methods his way under the skin of an utterly convincing Goldie Hawn.

An LAPD officer used police computers to sell celebrity data to tabloids. Among the records accessed were those of Sharon Stone, Sean Penn, Meg Ryan, Kobe Bryant, O.J. Simpson, Larry King, Drew Barrymore, Cindy Crawford, and Halle Berry. The offers says he accessed the records because he was ordered by his superiors to compile map of VIP residences in LA. (Hey, NYPD: you guys are holding out on us! Where are all of our celebrity addresses?)
Lawsuit accuses LAPD officer of selling celebrity data [AP via BoingBoing]