Historically, American fathers dreamed that their sons would grow up to be greater men than they were. That was before the dreaded “millennial” generation.

Millennials. Sex. What do you think?

Though your modern media is faced with the demands of covering wars, terrorism, a presidential election, and Pokemon, please trust that we, the hardworking American journalists, will never fail to inform you about the latest trends in hot teen bra usage—or lack thereof.

No matter how many times someone writes the story about high-priced consultants who purport to tell corporations how to deal with their young employees—it’s still funny!!!

In an interview with Variety earlier this week, AMC Theatres CEO Adam Aron seemed to submit to the imaginary collective will of “Millennials — who live on social media,” by teasing a pretty bad idea: Allowing people to text during the movie. Many people got very mad and AMC immediately backed down, tweeting this morning: “NO TEXTING AT AMC. Won’t happen. You spoke. We listened.”

“At Goldman Sachs, ‘Managing Millennials’ has been one of the most popular training sessions for years.”

Arlington, Virginia boasts the highest percentage of rich millennials of any city in the USA. Americans everywhere urge paper scientists to come together to design a sheet of paper long enough to hold the full list of “Reasons Not to Live in Arlington, Virginia.”

PROBLEM: There are so many millennials today, but they can’t afford to stay in your company’s nice hotels. SOLUTION: Build shittier motels—for millennials.

“Millennials are misunderstood,” says a new report on the financial proclivities of millennials. But are they?

Hillary Clinton delivered a rousing five-minute speech at a rally yesterday in Iowa, thrilling fans who were only there to see Demi Lovato anyway. And the reviews are in:

DES MOINES, IOWA—At two campaign events for Hillary Clinton in Iowa on Saturday, speaker Lena Dunham did not shake any hands, nor did she take any questions from the crowd. What does Lena Dunham think of the ethanol mandate? I could not tell you.

A new PR firm trend report says marketers will soon stop targeting millennials as a single group and “focus on reaching the younger consumers based on their passions.” What does this mean? Nothing, because PR trend reports are 100% bullshit. Stupid sellout millennials.

Already, the Times is writing trend pieces about (haha) Generation Z: “The fact that some are still in their post-toddler years, however, makes it difficult for marketers trying to distill their generational essence.” So we have another 15 years or so of this to look forward to, at least.

Americans know that the newly empowered “millennial” generation is the greatest threat to our nation’s stability. But did you know that China’s millennial generation has the potential to be even worse?

The Times has a story today about Millennials embracing co-living spaces—basically just a euphemism for having more roommates than is healthy—focusing on something called Pure House. (What a name!) One of Pure House’s tenants is a man named Russell Jackson, who is 52 years old—not a Millennial.

“Millennials,” a demographic group defined by a slavish devotion to “keeping it real” by purchasing the correct consumer products, are now old enough to be “out there” in the world, “doing their thing.” Instead, they are living at home.

Most people attend a Broadway show with the understanding that cellphones aren’t allowed, you should turn them off, and you won’t need them for the next couple of hours. Most, but not all. Not the guy who tried to plug his iPhone into the set (which is located on the actual stage, to which the entire audience is directing its attention) just before a recent performance of Hand to God.

If you are a member of the savvy “millennial” generation you stand for two things: authenticity, and hipness. And you know god damn well in your little black hearts that no bank is more authentic—and hip—than Bank of America.

Did you go to a fratty mid-Atlantic college in the late ’90s, have a Bob Marley blacklight poster, and squee to MTV Party to Go Platinum Remix while drinking Red Stripe at parties? Congratulations, Dawson! You know as much about rap as Marco Rubio, Fox News rap correspondent.

“In 2015, 36 percent of parents said in a poll published this week that they expect to support their child for more than two years after graduation... [but] most millennials are reluctant to admit they’re being bankrolled.” Psht. Get that free money while you still can, idiots.