Has Apple's war on Google soared to 30,000 feet? Marcy Simon, erstwhile mistress of Google chairman Eric Schmidt, has taken to Twitter to report her "abuse" at the hands of a United flight attendant.

Here's a fun exercise in "Hey, whatever happened to…?" After seventeen years of nonstop blowjob jokes, Monica is still unemployed and alone, living in her parents' houses and relying on her family's money, according to the National Enquirer. (So take it with a cigar tube of salt.) Since her handbag line never took off, she is reportedly considering a wildly incongruous career in PR. The Daily Mail reports,

Just when things couldn't get any worse for the former governor, the California Attorney General is reportedly launching an "inquiry" into the possibility that Arnold Schwarzenegger used state funds to cover up his affairs.

A "stripper Legion of Doom" comprising four Tiger Woods mistresses and two Jesse James mistresses will attend Rosemont, Illinois' Exxxtacy 2010. Sounds like a good place to go on a date with your monogamous significant other. [ChicagoTribune, image via]

A few years from now, someone will mention the name "Rachel Uchitel" in passing, and you'll have to rack your brain for a few minutes before it occurs to you that the person is referring to one of the women who helped bring about Tiger Woods' downfall. (Remember Jessica Hahn? How about Donna Rice?)

Some people are horrified when a sex scandal forces them into the spotlight. As she demonstrated quite clearly on the streets of NYC today, Tiger Woods Mistress No. 1™ Rachel Uchitel isn't one of those people. [Splash News]

Rachel Uchitel, the 9/11 widow and party promoter who's been linked to Tiger Woods, may have worked for the pro golfer, too. According to Deadspin, Uchitel's "main job was to provide women for Tiger during his globetrotting excursions" and may have been paid up to $15,000 to function as Woods concierge of sin. "Rachel Uchitel works for Tiger the minute he gets off the plane wherever he is: from dinner, to photos, to nightclubs, to drugs, to girls—whatever he wants," says one VIP concierge. [Deadspin]

Rachel Uchitel, the New York-based club promoter who is believed to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, was supposed to give a press conference today along with her publicity-seeking attorney Gloria Allred. But she abruptly canceled it this morning. Is she waiting for a news outlet to cut her a big check? Or is she keeping quiet because—as TMZ suggests—Woods may make it worth her while to stay silent? That's all up in the air at the moment. But if you're wondering what would lead a woman down the path of tabloid infamy, this may shed a little light on the underlying psychology.

Just when you were hoping that you'd be spared any more detail about Bernie Madoff's anatomy, comes, yes, more uncomfortable info about the fraudster's bedroom behavior courtesy of his former mistress, Sheryl Weinstein. Yesterday, we heard that Madoff's penis "would fit easily inside the opening of a single-serving honey jar that sits on a hotel room service breakfast tray." Today, Weinstein appeared on Good Morning America to tell Chris Cuomo that Madoff was a good kisser. ("Just what I wanted to know about him," responds Cuomo.) She also explains why she felt the need to write the humiliating memoir. She says she did it to "make things up" to her family. A simple "I'm sorry" greeting card wouldn't do? [Dealbreaker]

Maria Belen Chapur released a statement tonight to clear up some misconceptions about her, but didn't deny that she's been boning Mark Sanford, which is, according to Rush Limbaugh, all Barack Obama's fault (No, seriously, he really said that!).

Mel Gibson brought composer Oksana Grigorieva to the debut of the latest X-Men movie Tuesday night, effectively confirming he's been sleeping with the Russian composer and Timothy Dalton ex. (Larger picture after the jump.)

Marla Maples, Anna Nicole Smith, Padma Lakshmi, Monica Lewinsky, Amy Fisher, Patricia Duff, Paula Fortunato, Cindy McCain, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Shoshanna Lonstein Gruss, Ellen Barkin, Katie Lee Joel: You're in fine company, Victoria Floethe! Hearty congratulations to you and Michael. Click on the photo for a large screenshot.

Victoria Floethe is the young writer who had a lengthy affair with Vanity Fair contributor and author Michael Wolff, according to our sources. But Wolff isn't the only prominent man the self-described "femme fatale" has been connected to in recent years: Gawker.com just published some additional info on Floethe's rather prolific past here, if you're keeping score at home. In the meantime, you'll find a few more photos of the young writer who has captured the attention of so many older men after the jump.

Author and Vanity Fair columnist Michael Wolff has been inescapable on the airwaves in recent days, ripping the Post, News Corp. and its chairman Rupert Murdoch to shreds for the Post's tasteless cartoon last week. Of course, Wolff has good reason to seek out the attention. His biography on Murdoch, which was published in December, has been a stunning failure: According to Bookscan, which tracks roughly 75% of the books sold in the U.S., The Man Who Owns the News has sold just over 15,000 copies since it was published in December, a far cry from what publisher Doubleday was expecting given he reportedly took home a $1 million advance and Doubleday indicated it would "start off" with a 100,000 print run. But while it's no surprise to see Wolff carry on about News Corp. (and his other pet obsession, the New York Times), it is a bit surprising to see Wolff invoking ethics and morals. Why, you ask? Perhaps because it's always a bit difficult to take an ethics lesson from a married man who carried on an affair with a woman nearly three decades his junior who also happened to be an intern at the magazine he writes for.

Forget the wives who can no longer afford to go wild at Barneys with their husbands' AmEx Platinum cards. The women who are really going to suffer in these turbulent economic times are the mistresses of cheating husbands. According to a new survey of men worth at least $20 million and who have had an extra-marital lover for at least a year, 80 percent said they planned to cut back on gifts, allowances, and certain perks like jet rides and vacations in light of the recession. [WSJ]