At the Oscars last night, several celebrities admirably used their time on stage to speak about issues like equality, discrimination, and poverty. This would have been a good time to rob their houses.

Ta-Nehisi Coates made the case that America owes reparations to its black community. But he purposely left out the details of what a reparations program might look like. We will now make a proposal, for your consideration.

Israel and Palestine are warring again. Civilians are dying again. Families are losing their homes, and chaos persists. Again. This would not be happening if Israel were located somewhere that makes more sense: in Germany.

Idea: Instead of playing soccer, nations should fight with guns.

King Nazir Muhammad, NewsBlaze.com contributing writer and self-proclaimed "Lesbian Messiah," has today advocated his most radical program of gender equality yet: lesbianism for all women. Is the Messiah's program humanity's only hope?

Around New York City, one often hears petulant calls for the city to return to the days when it was "real," meaning infested with crime, rather than with Pret A Manger locations. Such pleas are immature. Crime should only be returned to the Times Square area.

This nation has a very fundamental problem. Its best city—New York City—exists in a northern latitude so extreme that it is a frigid sub-Arctic wasteland for half the year. Why don't we rebuild somewhere down south?

The new Pope, Francis: great guy. He loves the poor. He's cool with atheists. He's even pretty chill about gay marriage and abortions. Yesterday's photos of him embracing a severely disfigured man were genuinely touching. Still, the best thing that this nice Pope could do would be to dismantle the Catholic Church.

If you're anything like me, your favorite movie of 2013 so far is "Amazing Helmet-Cam Video of Skydivers on One Plane When Another Plane Hits Them," followed by Olympus Has Fallen. How many planes must crash into one another triumphantly before we accept that air travelers should all be wearing parachutes?

For well over a decade, Salon.com has tried to solve the puzzle of how to put out a daily online-only magazine featuring quality writing and journalism without losing money. They've failed. We have just one decent idea for their survival.

"People need to be encouraged to start spending again," Michael Gross writes, especially the masters of the universe—such as John Thain, left—who made a mint during the boom years and then led us into this mess. So how do we go about doing that? Not by shunning them, or requiring them to take their fortunes and turn the cash over to the government. (It would probably be wasted on Citigroup anyway.) Maybe we could just force them to pump the cash into the local economy?