In a speech today, amid lots of other incoherence, Donald Trump articulated a newly expanded version of his xenophobic “ban Muslims” immigration policy. Consider the implications of this statement:

Cranial bee sting victim Donald Trump is a leading presidential candidate, despite the fact that he is clearly a stupid, racist clown. Can Donald Trump say anything too stupid to dissuade his own backers?

Wow—you like the Mets? Okay—congrats. A thousand apologies for my failure to immediately fall to my knees and worship your great moral courage.

On the Confederate flag controversy: “Now come all these self-righteous liberals from cities such as New York, Los Angeles and Washington, doing what the Charleston shooter failed to do — sowing division and discord where none exist.”—Marc Thiessen, a white Republican who grew up in Manhattan and works in Washington.

Donald Trump just got himself fired from NBC for being the big racist moron everyone always knew he could be.

Donald Trump, to be fair, says a lot of idiot things. And for the most part, people just ignore him until he tires himself out, as you might a child having a tantrum. But it looks like his idiot comments about drug-addicted-rapist Mexicans rightfully offended some people—Univision says they’re not going to air the Miss USA beauty pageant as long as he’s involved.

Having friends is so great, isn’t it? They’re great to talk to, great to hug, great to hit with swords, why not, we’re all drunk here, right?

What’s the best venue for your self-righteous, nativist ravings? If you answered “my 6-year-old’s school concert, of course,” then congratulations, fuckwit, everyone hates you.

Good writer and smart man Richard Cohen is taking Obama to task for forgetting one important lesson that smart people like Richard Cohen know: the United States of America must be at war with lots of countries at all times.

Blow-dried idiot and Texas Governor Rick "See My Glasses?" Perry has done some thinking, about these homos. Rick Perry is now prepared to answer your homosexual questions, in a hilariously poor fashion.

A moronic asshole got arrested today after he posted to Instagram a series of videos of himself terrorizing Philadelphia residents with a pellet gun disguised to look like a handgun.

For centuries after his accidental discovery of the Bahamas, Christopher Columbus was a true hero of history. But then the alternative histories were published, and the colonization of the New World was revealed to be a nightmare of atrocity and terror. Still, we can learn something from this stubborn idiot who insisted until the day he died that Cuba was part of Asia.

Rep. Marlin Stutzman (R-IN) has summed up the GOP's entire stance to the Washington Examiner: "We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don't know what that even is."

Two parents have filed a human rights complaint against the Hartford school system after their 12-year-old daughter was forced to participate in a slavery reenactment on a class trip. Last year, Sandra and James Baker of Farmington, Connecticut sent their daughter, then a student at Hartford Magnet Trinity College Academy, on a four-day class trip to the Nature's Classroom program in Charlton, MA.

ABC will pep up the strife-chat of The View by bringing in dimwitted anti-vaccination fanatic Jenny McCarthy as it loses the Fox News-bound weepy Republican Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Hope you don't catch the shingles from Barbara, Jenny!

"Of the 41 percent of Republicans who consider Benghazi to be the worst political scandal in American history, 39 percent are unaware that Benghazi is located in Libya. 10 percent said it's in Egypt, 9 percent in Iran, 6 percent in Cuba, 5 percent in Syria, 4 percent in Iraq, and 1 percent in North Korea and Liberia."

After 9/11, the New York Police Department in its manifest wisdom decided to start pretending that it was a global intelligence agency staffed by stealthy Jason Bourne types. In pursuit of its goal of spying on all Muslims, everywhere, New York's finest even crossed the Hudson River to New Brunswick, New Jersey, to establish a secret surveillance outpost because seriously there are Muslims literally everywhere. That little operation was foiled in 2009, though, when a super named Salil Sheth happened upon an apartment filled with surveillance equipment and Muslim literature and called 911 because he thought he'd stumbled upon a terror cell. The AP has just obtained the audio of the call.

The best part of any internet news story is when the social media power user and sometime Gawker contributor Katie Notopoulos starts searching for it on Twitter. Like the SOPA-driven Wikipedia blackout, which sure freaked out high school kids—and their teachers.

Now we know why Gov. Rick Perry is aggressively trying to change Texas' state university system to one where teachers are paid by how much money they bring in, and students are treated like "customers": It's to take on revenge on the professors who gave him horrible, no-good, very bad grades during his college days.

Members of Sea Shepherd, the least cool gang of self-styled pirates currently operating on the open seas, are setting off on an important new crusade: stopping tuna poaching off the coast of Libya.