Back in July, dour British funeral singer (vegan funerals only) Morrissey alleged that an airport security officer at San Francisco International Airport had groped his genitals during a pat-down and said that he’d filed a claim for assault. Just a day later, the TSA denied any wrongdoing in a statement to Rolling Stone:

In his chat with wizened television shaman Larry King Wednesday, professional sadster and glib racist Morrissey discussed his battle with depression and offered what King says “could be considered a controversial take on the act of suicide.” Hmm, yes: “It’s admirable” could be considered a controversial thing to say about suicide. Very astute observations all around, gentlemen.

On the latest episode of Last Week Tonight, John Oliver discussed the new EU ruling that will allow citizens to have Google remove search results that damage their reputations. And, more importantly, John Oliver did a fantastic impression of Morrissey.

Whether you're home alone or miserable elsewhere, this is the time of year when the proper music is crucial to surviving the next several days. How is there not a Morrissey/The Smiths holiday album to get us through these dramatic and romantic times? Here's the next best thing.

Morrissey, your thoughts on Thanksgiving? "Thankskilling." Ah, great. Always a pleasure.

Professional sad man Morrissey had a memoir in the works, but then he didn't, but then he did, and today the British contrarian's self-portrayal was finally released in Europe. Weighing more than a pound, the 480-pager is an instant classic—that is, according to Penguin Classics, an imprint historically reserved for educational materials like Little Women and cornerstones of civilizations like the Iliad, which added Morrissey's Autobiography to its illustrious ranks by publishing this thick doorstop. Naturally, arbiters of literary standards are miffed. As if it matters.

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before: Morrissey is publishing an autobiography. After reportedly having his book deal fall apart last month, Morrissey and Penguin Classics have announced that Moz' book will be published on October 17, according to the Guardian. The original draft was reportedly 660 pages.

British singer and living embodiment of ennui Morrissey has reportedly yanked his upcoming book just a week before it'd been scheduled to hit shelves, and nobody really knows why. Well, I wonder.

Amanda Palmer, the worst poet in all of human history, has, for maybe the first time in her life, written something correct. In an open letter to ex-frontman Morrissey, published on Salon, she suggests that he should "crowdfund" his next album:

Aniston sex partner and literary scion Justin Theroux shows his bush in this week's New York magazine, prompting squeals of dismay (and occasional arousal?) worldwide.

Chickens-rights-championing nose-singer Morrissey was spotted today in Dallas getting his locks trimmed and sculpted into his trademark rockabilly 'do. (Morrissey was proudly touting allegiance to the Hitler Youth before anyone.) But unlike your typical barbershop patron who leaves the clippings on the floor, Morrissey requested a hair doggie-bag for the road:

The vegan philosopher Morrissey tells us that "meat is murder," and for our vegetarian purposes he's correct. But murder is also murder, which is why you can't shoot your drug dealer even if he brazenly gives you hamburger instead of weed.

Quaintly-racist Irish folk singer Morrissey is at it again. Unfortunately "it" is not "singing weepy ballads to sad sack college English majors." Morrissey compared the Norway massacre to fast food at a show.

Casually xenophobic British ultra-nationalist Morrissey was bitten by a dog of unknown origin and — holy shit — he cracked a bone in his finger! Sycophants across the world are understandably worried about him but, according to True To You, his current tour will not be affected:

Besides the depressing fact that Morrissey still makes music, he always gets a pass for making racist remarks just because he's Morrissey. He's back at it in a new interview with Guardian Weekend, where he calls Chinese people "a subspecies."

Turning to Craigslist in search of love: A grand American tradition! And not one deserving of mockery. Rather, let us marvel at the craft of composing a Craiglist M4W ad that excludes every woman on planet Earth. Except, perchance...you?

If the New York Times' The Moment blog and its Twitter feed "hear" that Moz is dead, does it actually happen? Former Idolator editor Maura Johnston writes: "This inspired a lot of panicked e-mails to me late last night." Why?

Lindsay Lohan's career brings out the worst in Jewish Mother impulses. Brad Pitt busts himself up on a motorcycle, LADIES. The Rock shows true colors: stone cold asshole. Sienna Miller, Roman Polanski, Morrissey, Musicals: presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Stop Us If You Think You've Heard This One Before. It seems every year there's a rumor that Morrissey and Johnny Marr are setting aside their differences for a once-in-a-lifetime The Smiths reunion at Coachella. And every time, we run directly to our bed, jump up and down on it and sing "Panic" at the top of our lungs. (Then Morrissey usually comes out with a denial statement, and we sit on the edge of our bed and cry and sing "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.") Well, guess what! The rumor's back again! The Sun is reporting that the band is “closer than ever” to reforming for a "ludicrous amount of money." We don't care what it costs! Pay it! (As long as ticket prices don't go up.) [The Sun]

Ehud Olmert is resigning as premier of Israel due to corruption charges and a universal displeasure with his governance, but the real news from the holy land is that Morrissey has arrived. Oh, the things Obama could learn about pop superstardom from the Pope of Mope, who landed at Ben Gurion Airport on Sunday for his first concert tour of the region. Israeli newswire Ynet was all over the arrival, and already my in-box overfloweth with lines about the "Moziach." (Ask Krucoff, he'll know.) If you're a Smiths fan of the Semitic persuasion, this touch-down is especially significant as Morrissey is still shepherding some of us through the big-haired awkward years. [Ynet]