We thought we'd pay a visit to MTV's Pageant Place, which, for the uninitiated, is something like a Meerkat Manor for the Trump pageant queen set. And like their adorable Kalaharian counterparts, this quarrelsome matriarchy also employs complex and highly sectarian sociodynamics: Take Tara Conner, for example, the disgraced Miss USA famously forgiven for her blow-doing indiscretions by Trump the Merciful (and who indirectly caused a small amount of friction between her combforwarded boss and Rosie O'Donnell): Since being welcomed back into the clan and made Mr. Trump's favorite posable Barbie, she continues to be ostracized by her sash-wearing peers, whose fake smiles belie their not-so-secret desire that she too might meet an untimely, Flower-esque fate at the fangs of Trump's own cobra strike.

OH MY GOD MTV'S HIT SHOW "THE HILLS" IS FAKE!!! "Brody would talk all this sh*t, then be like, 'Sorry about that, we're just trying to make good television.' Like at one point, some other dude walked up to us while we were talking, and Brody goes, 'We're trying to film a scene here. Do you mind?', like he's interrupting our lines. Haha, it was some of the best acting I've ever done." [Best Week Ever]

Judy McGrath, Chairman and CEO of MTV (and former recipe writer for Mademoiselle and amateur paremiologist), sheds light on MTV's target demographic: "When you have a child (mine is12), it's a gift, and a live-in focus group. She was doing her homework while listening to music online. She said, 'Mom, found this band called Jefferson Airplane. Who are they?' I thought, in the words of Justin Timberlake, what goes around comes around." [NYT]

Sort-of reality show "The Hills" is still keeping MTV alive! And its evil semi-star Spencer Pratt may be a prat but he is one smart cookie. When Heidi Montag, his inamorata, returns from lunch with Jenny, Spencer is sitting on the couch reading The Intelligent Investor: A Book of Practical Counsel, Benjamin Graham's classic 1949 guide to value investing. There's even a foreword by Warren Buffett! Anyway, according to Heidi, "Jen [Bunney] was telling me [Heidi Montag] that Lauren [Conrad] was saying Brody [Jenner] says that it was all Spencer [Pratt] who was spreading the sex tape rumors." (That would be the famed sex tape of Lauren Conrad and her once-and-current boyfriend Jason Wahler.) Pratt was once Brody Jenner's "manager-slash-publicist-slash-agent- slash-stylist! Deflection time! "He's such a little bitch!" says Pratt. Sure. Did Pratt fuel speculation about Conrad's sex tape? Almost certainly! But more importantly, was it a sound investment?

Avowed bisexual Tila Tequila, who rose to fame for being the hub through which every strain of MySpace-proliferated STD has passed at least once, is currently hunting for the man or woman of her dreams on MTV reality show A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. While we're certain Tila's emotional fulfillment was first and foremost on the minds of the show's producers, doubling the number of contestants also cleverly doubled the chances of capturing an always entertaining bitch-choking, weave-yanking smackdown.

From the mailbag, regarding Viacom: "They unveiled the newly remodeled 'Lodge' and in the dining area, there is a back room with automated massage chairs...um??" Seriously, right? You'd think at the very least they could have used that money to pay some of their recently laid-off employees to come in and give actual massages.

"Will Sumner Redstone ever get over being bested by Rupert Murdoch in the bidding for MySpace two years ago? Maybe. Fortune has learned of two stealth projects that Redstone's company, Viacom, has in the works for its MTV Networks unit. One is a twist on social networking called Flux, the other involves an investment in upcoming online video site VBS.tv, and both suggest that Redstone's company may actually be on to something." [Fortune]

Yahoo is distributing its Nissan Live Sets, a Web hi-def Web show that mimics a live concert viewing experience, on MTV's high definition channel. Despite the popularity of Web shows like Prom Queen and LonelyGirl15, studios are so busy trying to get onto the Internet that they don't pull content from it. As the Motley Fool points out, this is good news for Yahoo Music. Recent reports of Yahoo's financial doom put its music service on the guillotine. Perhaps some MTV eyeballs will spare it from the block.

Hoping to solve the mystery of how Britney Spears, a seasoned performer with many memorable faux-lesbian and python-related VMAs performances to her credit, came to prance across that Las Vegas stage as listlessly a past-her-prime, breakfast-shift stripper who'd just been shot in a fishnetted haunch with an elephant-grade tranquilizer dart, Page Six today consults a spy who claims to have the behind-the-scenes information about the much-discussed debacle. Spears' rehearsal session, it seems, was hampered by lateness, the tragic overriding of a wardrobe professional's costume choice, and, unsurprisingly, the refusal to perform any choreography that might result in the spillage of her precious pre-show cocktail:

Last night saw the debut of "TMZ" in its televised form, and we're kind of astounded. It's actually really good in a "death of Western culture" kind of way: crass, snappy, humorous, knowing, smirking, and sarcastic. Their turnaround time is impressive, and the little graphical flourishes they toss in make a good case that this is the new standard in omnibus trash television. It's just a day old, so it might be too early to judge, but today we're going to spend some time figuring out why it works so well. Anyway, here's how they covered the Tommy Lee and Kid Rock fracas at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Britney Spears' performance at Sunday's MTV Video Music Awards show remains the nation's only important topic of conversation. The poor thing was exploited by MTV, says Kanye West, who certainly has no axe to grind with the network even though they haven't given him one of those idiot moonman statuettes for two years. While her performance has been compared to a variety of both natural and man-made disasters, including "a catatonic reenactment of an Ambien overdose," a "partial-birth abortion as performance art," and "The Holocaust," the singer still has some defenders.

Sensing that Hollywood Blvd.'s legendary pop-culture-dissecting minds might have something to say about Britney Spears' disastrous VMA performance, Defamer videographer Molly McAleer grabbed her trusty camcorder and headed for the talking-head paradise that is the sidewalk outside of the Kodak Theatre, where a talkative cross-section of fans from around the world were more than happy to offer their reviews. For those who find the assessments of the Walk of Fame opinion-havers unfairly negative, we direct you to ABCNews.com's penetrating piece analyzing What Went Wrong, which found at least one anonymous truth-teller willing to defy the anti-Britney thought police:

Recounts the Post: "PAMELA Anderson's exes got into a slapfest during the MTV Video Music Awards last night, taking jabs at each other right after their siliconed siren introduced Alicia Keys. Kid Rock and Tommy Lee were sitting precariously close to each other—given their history of rowdy behavior—at the ceremony at the Palms Casino when Rock 'sucker smacked' Lee, the Post's Sandra Guzman reports. The ensuing fight lasted 15 seconds and each man was escorted out separately by security." That fracas, unfortunately, occurred off-camera. Here, however, is our generation's Helen of Troy discussing her hot make-out session with Kanye West.

What is left to say when one of the most anticipated VMA performances in years bombs so badly, it causes Kid Rock and Tommy Lee to very nearly come to fisticuffs trying to one up each other trading "Yo Britney" jokes, while finally justifying Sean "Diddy" Combs's single, painfully confused facial expression? A round-up of what some of the world's (yes, the whole world was watching) critics thought about Britney Spears' comeback performance:

Also about last night's VMA's: What the hell happened to Sarah Silverman? Either she intentionally walked the room or she just didn't bother to put together anything involving a monologue, but either way it was a completely cringe-inducing performance. We've pulled the only two bits that actually made us chuckle.

In the end, there would be no baby dolls dropping from the rafters, giant Jacuzzis filled with writhing background dancers servicing a fading pop star's exhibitionistic sexual needs, or even a female albino python with which Britney Spears might share a same-sex, cross-species kiss to open last night's VMAs.

We have no words.

In the grand tradition of Next, Dismissed, Taildaters, and a bunch of other crappy MTV dating shows we'd never be caught dead watching (OK, fine, we may have gotten sucked into a couple episodes of Room Raiders), the cable network has announced today yet another thrilling foray into the genre: On A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, contestants will be vying for the affections of MySpace's #1 agave-based celebrity:

Anyone who's been watching MTV's sorta-reality show The Hills this season knows that Audrina—the kind of hanger-on in star Lauren Conrad's orbit who managed to worm her way into Lauren's life and become her roommate and new BFF once former BFF Heidi spread those nasty rumors about her and started dating the spawn of Satan—has this kind of vapidness that either indicates she's really, really stupid, or she's just decided to play the stupid one on the show. Because really, it boggles the mind to think that she actually believes that her loser ex-boyfriend just magically decided to reappear in her life during the third season of her wildly successful reality TV show! But that seems to be what she's throwing down.