Heh is the overwhelming sentiment one can read every time the Times gets cocky. And by cocky, I mean: talking about penises. In this instance, it's talking about one of the oldest, most famous media penises still alive: Hugh Hefner's.

While America's medical debates rage on, many of its significant members, of all colors and sizes, limply, quietly weep to themselves: penises. But! This is one health care package making serious progress: flaccid penises demand innovation, as the Times discovered.

The future of blogging rests in Choire Sicha and Alex Balk's laptops. After defecting from the Gawker Empire for Radar, which closed, they opened up their own shop: The Awl, which arrived in (thrust itself into?) a new era, today.

The Times profiled the writers of HBO's latest foray into originally programming, Hung, today. It stars Thomas Jane as a gym teacher with a huge dick who becomes a gigolo. But how does the infamously stiff (heh) Times write it?

The applications are flooding in to be the new honcho of this website! Today we received a submission from an old friend, one that we thought should be shared with the whole class.

Our story thus far: Balk and Cock, a pair of itinerant internet laborers, wind up working at Old Man Denton's Gawker farm. Though comically oversized, Cock is simple-minded and unaware of his own strength; Balk looks after him and tries to keep him out of trouble. Unfortunately, Cock cannot help his impulses. First he fucks a mouse to death, then a puppy, and then one of the ad sales people. As a lynch mob lead by ad boss Batty closes in, Balk realizes that there's no way he can save his friend this time.

BalkerStalker: You still going to post comments on Gawker once you leave?
Balk BTW: I dunno. I think it would sort of feel like being that guy who still hangs around high school after high school.
BalkerStalker: Yeah. Hate those guys.
BalkerStalker: What about your cock?
Balk BTW: My Cock hangs around high schools NOW.
Balk BTW: So probably.

BALK BTW: Hey, what's up?
COCK BTW: Not me! I am DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.
BALK BTW: Oh no, what's wrong?
COCK BTW: The MacArthur genius grants came out today, and ONCE AGAIN I'm not on the list.
BALK BTW: Did you really expect to be?
COCK BTW: Every goddamned year! Do you know a brighter Cock than me?

Each year (or really, every 11 months and two weeks or so, kinda), the Jews observe Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, during which leather shoes and doing it are totally forbidden. Then there are many apologies. Let it begin with us! Herewith, Balk makes amends to some of the people he's hurt so horribly this year.

Balk BTW: Okay, sorry about this, I don't want to bring you down or anything, but I have to ask. Whaddya think about that study that shows that the elderly are still getting it on? This one:
Balk BTW: "The study of 3005 adults aged 57 to 85 found most had an active sex life with a partner or spouse. More than half of sexually active older adults had sex two to three times a month—the same frequency reported among younger adults in a 1992 national survey."

My Cock and I are hitting the road, kids: We've finally found our ticket out. [Copyranter]

We were directed to this classic piece from Men's Health that describes the ten ways women judge prospective suitors.

"The Ice Cream Cone, The Bob & Weave, Operation, The Swirl, The Hoover, The Plunger: Yes, these are all different types of blowjobs. Sweet Christ, people. Just suck. How complicated is it?" [Jesse on the Brink]

We just got word that My Cock is is shopping a book proposal, and that the proposed title of the proposed book is Here I Come Again. It's "a memoir by a phallus who has always had an orgasm." The project is a handbook-cum-memoir, and is said to detail Cock's incessant ability to ejaculate. There's some graphic material here (a chapter entitled "Hawaii Five-O" details a shocking five-orgasm afternoon spent in the restroom of New York restaurant Hawaiian Tropic Zone) as well as some embarrassing revelations ("30 Seconds To Mars: The Early Years"). We reached My Cock for comment. "Dude," he wrote, "I'm a cock. I come all the time! In fact, I'm coming right now! I didn't know there was anything remarkable about it until yesterday, but, hell, if that's what the market wants, that's what they're gonna get. We want to get this out quickly, for the holiday season. Of course, the title is provisional: If anyone has a better idea, let me know."

A Drunk Finally Gets A Chance To Whine
NEW YORK

We don't know what it says about our job—actually, we know exactly what it says about our job: It blows—that we were excited for jury duty, but there you have it. Three days without work where we could get up at the relatively late hour of eight and sit around reading the newspaper without thinking, "Oh, I have to try to be funny about that"? Where do we sign up? (The DMV, apparently.) Anyway, it was with joy in our heart and a spring in our step that we hopped on the 6 train and headed down to City Hall. It took us about two seconds in the waiting room (after the comedy court clerk started his shtick, but before that horrible video with Ed Bradley, God rest his soul, began to play) that we remembered: Jury duty sucks.

You ever get the feeling you're being persecuted based solely on your personal creeds and beliefs? That a sinister cabal is against you because they don't like what you represent? Then you know how I feel today. Friends, I want to tell you something: The Jews are after me. That's right, using their powerful positions in the media, this master race is coming at me like an elite team of Israeli special forces. (Is it an actual simile if you compare the Jews to the Jews? Hmm!) Anyway, they have a problem with some of the larger truths I've been telling about their secretive ways and financial acumen.

From the Post, this heartbreaking story of degradation and sexual harassment: James Bonomo, who sold paper for Mitsubishi International, slapped his former employer with a lawsuit after a night of karaoke gone awry. What happened? Seems that during a trip to Tokyo, Bonomo, his boss, "Tetsuya Furuichi, and a China-based Mitsubishi exec had dinner with a potential customer." As is often the case, penis portraiture ensued.

"These shows have semen as their very special guest star. The sperm gets billing above the dead woman's body, which the sperm is sort of tossed out upon. In the transcripts for some of these shows, the discussion about the semen is actually longer than the discussion about the victim: how voluminous the man's semen is, where it is in the room. They use their goggles, turn off the light and there's just sperm everywhere." [Salon]

Rhymes With Cory: So remember last week when you were all, "Oh no, Emily's going to be gone all week, we're never gonna have enough material?"
BALK BTW: As if it were Friday.
Rhymes With Cory: And I was like, "Nah, we'll be fine." And you said, "We're going to be begging My Cock for posts." And I told you it would never happen?
BALK BTW: Uh huh.
Rhymes With Cory: Is Your Cock awake? Because we have a huge hole.
BALK BTW: Funny enough, we were just IMing. Are we really that desperate?
Rhymes With Cory: I would take a post from Your Balls at this point.
BALK BTW: Okay, lemme see if he's up for it.