Now that he's the presumptive nominee, Barack Obama no longer has to attract voters with meaningless pleasantries and promises of ponies. No, now he's free to switch to real talk. No bullshit. At his Saturday rally in Oregon, Obama told the United States to stop whining and go on a goddamn diet: "We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times ... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK," he said. But we want to drive around eating corn all day! Can we at least continue criticizing your wife for hating America? Apparently not, as we learned on Good Morning America. Clip of that attached.

Except for dry cleaners, almost everyone likes the New York City cigarette ban. People smell better, smokers have an excuse to leave a bad conversation and non-smokers feel left out, as they should. But oh no: we're getting fat without our cigs! From 2002, when the law was enacted, through 2004, New Yorkers gained 10 million pounds collectively. Imagine how fat we are now! The island will surely sink if we can't smoke indoors. Manhattan will become a post-apocalyptic wasteland inhabited only by Will Smith and roving hordes of zombie fatties, unless you give us back our cigarettes. What's a little cancer compared with looking good in skinny jeans? [NY Sun]