Senator Orrin Hatch is a mild-mannered elderly Mormon who's spent his career voting for liberal judges and working on legislation with liberal Democrats, for whom he writes beautiful songs when they die. But now he has to win a Republican primary in Utah by securing support from the Tea Party folks, who all hate him. What's his plan? Developing a potty mouth, just like the Common Man.

Who is designing toys these days? Pedophiles? People who want to crush the souls of children? Is this China's doing? Because if so, they are very sneaky in breaking the American spirit. Toys, in most forms, should not aggressively hump.

Freshly laid off? Things could be worse — like, for example, if you were working as a temporary employee at an Amazon warehouse.