Esther Haynes' Page Six magazine hagiography of former Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein mostly treads familiar territory of the cat-loving, "extremely tall" 'Toos's meteoric rise. Once more, we follow her Kittiness from Barnard to Cosmo to CosmoGirl to EIC of Seventeen, where she stepped down "at the top of her game" last fall, in order to bring "more than a million girls" her "sometimes ridiculous yet compelling series of neoinspirational videos." Yes, yes, we know! But where is it all leading? "The Alpha Kitty business plan that she is fleshing out might be a 'game changer,' she says." Um, ok! Also, she's "producing a new secret 'project' at The Box nightclub," clanging that establishment's overness-knell more loudly than any rape charge ever could. More to the point, though, what finally enabled her 'Toosness to become a symbol and a role model for the "professional women in New York" who've "started opening up to her and admitting they, too, would like to get out"?

Crushing disappointment alert, Alpha Kitties: Atoosa Rubenstein may want to help you, but she's not about to actually, like, help you.