Just as you suspected, nicotine gum and nicotine patches are a crock, a sham, a mockery, a sucker's bet, a shuck and jive, a switcheroo, and a false hope. They do not work. A new study confirms that they are for shit, unless your goal is to make the inside of your lip taste like a Kool soaked in Listerine. Want to really stop smoking? We have done it. More or less. Here's how.

Smoking cigarettes may improve your memory, fine motor skills, alertness, and, obviously, looking-cool-ness. They will also give you cancer and make all your food taste like charcoal briquettes. But, again: You will improve your memory, and look totally cool. [Discovery]

Scientists are bashing minty tobacco-filled "Camel Orbs" candies, because they might get kids addicted to nicotine. "Nuh uh" a big tobacco spokesman retorts. When will scientists hop off the bitchy teen hater train, and onto the nicotine flavor train? [NYT]