Mila Kunis finally gets her Marine Ball. Prince Harry is still partying in Las Vegas (and going to Cirque Du Soleil). Tareq Salahi is suing Michaele Salahi and Neal Schon for inscrutable reasons. Sunday gossip looks like an alien.

Someone saw ScarJo and Joseph Gordon-Levitt kissing. Shia LaBeouf got in a bar fight and threatened to pull a knife. Katherine Heigl's three-year-old can walk in stilettos. Cameron Diaz and Naomi Campbell go dancing. Thursday gossip swaps spit.

Demi Moore wears her ring but walks alone. Soulja Boy ended up in jail last night. Nikki Reed's wedding dress has 100 diamond buttons. Emma Watson returns to college. Tuesday gossip speaks softly and carries precious gems.

Lindsay Lohan heads back to court. George Clooney's girlfriend "debuts" in a see-through dress. Robert Downey Jr. demands forgiveness for Mel Gibson. Monday gossip turns to a life of crime.

Reese Witherspoon gives an ad hoc seminar on safe sexting. Jennifer Aniston launches a PDA offensive with yet another male co-star. Kim Kardashian has wedding dress drama. Pippa Middleton never sweats. Monday gossip has sex tape remorse.

January Jones bitches about bitches. Kate Gosselin's marriage counselor is suing her. Paz de la Huerta bounces back from beating up a reality star. JWoww wants to have babies. TGIFriday gossip.

That's a lot of money! Anguilla must be so embarrassed. Also today: Meryl Streep as the Iron Lady, two vampiresses team up to kill people, Judd Apatow heads to the Playhouse, and Scream finds another victim.

We were too busy eating self-serve frozen yogurt last night to bother with the premiere of Twilight. Luckily fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern was on the West Coast to report back. For a change, she wasn't the most wasted one there.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler is 28 today. Fox News chief Roger Ailes is turning 69. Chazz Palminteri is 57. Jasper Johns is 79. Former Secretary of State Madeline Albright is turning 72. Current Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius is turning 61. The founder of Essence Communications, Ed Lewis, is 69. Sportscaster Dan Patrick is 53. Ahmet Zappa is turning 35. Brian Eno is 61. Former football player Emmitt Smith is turning 40. Learning Annex founder Bill Zanker is 55. And actor David Charvet, better known as the father of Brooke Burke's kids, is 37. Weekend birthdays—including that of Edgar Bronfman Jr. and Charles Kushner—below.

[Nikki Reed, Taylor Lautner, and Kristen Stewart (these are all actors we should know, old people) in Vancouver, where they are shooting the new "Twilight" vampire porn movie; image via Bauer-Griffin]