Even without waffle-iron rioting and bloody police beat-downs, the standard Black Friday shopping experience is utterly terrifying. Just watch this video featuring hundreds of shoppers storming the Urban Outfitters at Thousand Oaks Mall in California and tremble at the sight of so many people running toward the khaki fashions.

Last week, we showed you this heartbreaking video from the WE DO Campaign, an effort to draw attention to the battle for marriage equality in North Carolina by having gay couples request—and get denied—marriage licenses from the state.

One reason why some people oppose same-sex marriage is that they've never met a happy, loving gay couple or family. That's what the Campaign for Southern Equality is trying to change with the WE DO Campaign.

Community college student Marc Bechtol says he was pulled out of class and then banned from campus all because he disparaged his school's stupid branded debit cards on his Facebook. Marc Bechtol deserves a failing grade in Campus Brand Ambassadorship 101, otherwise known as An Introduction to Selling Out.

Yesterday a passing motorist called 911 after spotting this Halloween decoration, which shows a fake man trapped under a riding mower, his fake-man blood messing up the lawn. Fake! Yet still scary enough to merit a "Caution: Graphic Images" warning from TV station WBTV. Boo!!!

This morning the "eye wall" of Hurricane Irene reached land just east of Cape Lookout in North Carolina—sweeping away dunes, flooding beaches, destroying a pier in kinda-nearby Atlantic Beach, and causing power outages. The old girl's not as strong as we thought she'd be, though! The latest, with updates below.

There are states of emergency all up-and-down the East Coast.

If you've eaten at the Olive Garden in Fayetteville, North Carolina, you probably have hepatitis, that's just science. After an employee tested positive for Hepatitis A, hundreds of panicked former customers descended upon the local healthcare clinic for vaccination.

Last weekend, Vishon Murphy put on his Sunday best—a dress and gladiator sandals—and waltzed into a Pizza Hut in Wallace, North Carolina. But instead of saying "Shantay you stay," the restaurant's general manager was all "sashay away" and forced Murphy to leave. A must-watch local news report detailing the saga is above. [via Eater]

Can you guess who has been spotted in Lenoir County, North Carolina? That's right, it's Jesus again, in his familiar "on the crucifix" pose. (Get a new pose already, Jesus!) On toast? No, in kudzu! He is everywhere.

South Carolina's Hill-Finklea Detention Center for barring its inmates from enjoying the kinds of pornographic materials you and I take for granted every. Single. Day. [Note: The ACLU has responded, saying ABC's report is false. Updates below.]

In one of the latest examples of America's ongoing war on sidewalk freedom, the police in Mt. Airy, N.C. have started cracking down on out-of-control board game players. Even ex-cops who impersonate beloved characters from old-timey television shows aren't exempt from the rules.

Poor Katrina Epperson. She was returning to her North Carolina home after getting a license to open a day care center in her residence when she and her boyfriend, Christopher Webb, were arrested for also running a meth lab out of the house. Talk about utilizing the space!

Tonight, during his State of the Union address, President Obama mentioned the trend of people without jobs going back to school. He used Kathy Proctor—a student at Forsyth Tech in North Carolina—as an example. She was quite excited.

An anti-abortion pastor was found guilty and sentenced to two years probation yesterday for stalking North Carolina doctors who perform abortions, The Charlotte Observer reports.

[A woman in Surf City, North Carolina, watches the waves being whipped up by Hurricane Earl, which has the potential to ruin countless Labor Day weekend travel plans as it travels up the eastern seaboard. Image via AP]

In Durham, NC, there exists a dangerous 11'8" trestle. Why is it dangerous? Well, because—in a one-year period—13 different trucks slammed into it (forcing the installation of an emergency crash beam). Video of each crash is inside.

A Domino's Pizza delivery driver in Apex, NC has been fired after a black customer noticed the words, "N*GGER DON'T TIP" printed on the bottom of her receipt and reported the incident. Now, she's receiving several threatening calls. Video inside.

Crystal Gail Magnum, the woman who falsely accused members of the Duke lacrosse team of raping her, held a crazy press conference in her yard today to announce that new charges against her—of arson and attempted murder—are false.

It's been a while since we've had a depressing look at John Edwards' depressing life. So thanks to the New Republic for this hot update, about how Edwards just wanders to bars every night, dancin' with grad students.