As part of its Internship Investigations project, the journalism non-profit ProPublica dug into the mandatory Journalism Residency program at Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism. The gobsmacking results are in:

Sentient glitter cloud Zooey Deschanel's "specialness [was] not appreciated" at Evanston's Northwestern University.

Crocheted Etsy woman Zooey Deschanel was spotted this week "hop[ping] around with an adorable bunny bag."

A Northwestern University student-tipster who's enrolled in the same American history class as Chet Haze—the rapping, acting, West Side (of Evanston)-dominating consequence of Tom Hanks' potent ejaculate—passed along this email that Haze sent across a listserv at 4 AM this morning:

In May, Northwestern University cancelled "Fucksaw 101," officially known as "Human Sexuality," over its infamous live demonstration of a woman being fucked. Or sawed. Or whatever. But now, deviancy once again haunts the sex-crazed Northwestern campus, as this recent campus-wide email, sent to us by several tipsters, proves:

This morning in Evanston, Illinois, Northwestern University's 2,800 graduating students gathered for commencement. On hand to give the commencement address? None other than alum Stephen Colbert of the class of '86, who delivered an uproarious 20-minute speech which squeezed in references to campus controversies like "Brothelgate" and a professor's infamous sex demonstration. It's embedded above for your enjoyment.

The fucksaw scandal that rocked Northwestern University to its very foundations, in which a psychology professor innocently hosted a demonstration of a motorized sex toy on a woman in front of 100 gape-jawed students, has reached its sad yet inevitable conclusion: Professor Michael Bailey's human sexuality class will no longer be offered at the school.

Do you think that the University of Chicago is just going to sit around like a bunch of lonely nerds while their crosstown rivals, Northwestern, hold hot live fucksaw demonstrations and Chet Haze concerts and brothel parties?

Alert: It is now virtually impossible to buy a fucksaw. I know; I know. JT's Stockroom, which is apparently the world's leading and perhaps only supplier of genuine fucksaws ("You hold it like a gun, and drill into the ass or vagina with powerful and steady force"), is completely sold out: "Due to high demand, this item is temporarily unavailable. We apologize for any inconvenience. Please check back soon!"

Big time beef in the NWU, which stands for Northwestern University, act like you know! Could it be that some bold young upstart is challenging the one and only CHET HAZE for hip hop supremacy? Yes, outlandishly!

The professor behind Northwestern University's Hot Live Fucksaw demonstration has issued a statement today — and he's a little bit sorry, maybe. The Daily Northwestern has the full text of Prof. John Michael Bailey's apology, but here are some highlights:

The story of a Northwestern University professor's Hot Live Fucksaw demonstration for ten dozen rapt college students has captivated the nation and, indeed, the world. After Northwestern prez Morton Schapiro vowed to keep investigating until he got all the way to the bottom of this fucksaw business, it was time for those directly involved in the handling and care of the fucksaw in question to speak out on what really happened in there. From the owner of the fucksaw:

Northwestern University: so awesome, it's too awesome for the President of Northwestern University. The crusty ol' prez is "launching an investigation" into the recent hot sexxxy in-class fucksaw demonstration for a Northwestern psychology class. What's the matter, Morton Schapiro— didn't get enough hot live fucksaw action the first time around?

Northwestern University simply cannot stop being awesome. From getting drunk and hollering about blowjobs to throwing blackface Halloween parties to producing a little rapper by the name of Chet Haze, Northwestern University never does anything less than the most awesome thing to do in any given situation. That's why regular schools have "Human Sexuality" classes, but Northwestern University has HOT LIVE FUCKSAW demonstrations:

The city of Evanston, Illinois was planning to crack down on Northwestern University students' hard-partying ways by enforcing an obscure anti-brothel law. But cops now say there will be no change in enforcement. This calls for an epic, destructive kegger.

Evanston, Illinois, the home of Northwestern University, plans to start enforcing a "brothel law" that prevents more than three unrelated people from sharing a house or apartment. Why would they bother? To cut down on college parties, of course.

Chet Hanks is the son of actor Tom Hanks. He attends Northwestern University. Chet Haze is "an up and coming MC...Born and raised on the West Side of the Westside's main city LA." Yes, he has a new Northwestern-themed single.

Northwestern University, champion of the stern administration email! Last year, some Northwestern kids had the bright idea of dressing up in blackface for Halloween. This year, the dean's not taking any chances. "Pimps and hos" and "gangsta" parties are unacceptable.

Last Saturday night, there was an off-campus party at Northwestern University. A big one! So big that the neighbors complained to the school about students pissing, throwing up, having sex, and "hollering about "Bl** J*bs." The Dean is apoplectic.

A man with a gun was seen on an elevator in the Rubloff Building on the university's law school campus, in Chicago. People in the building were told to lock their doors and await word. [SunTimes]