In the cutthroat tabloid wars of America's most competitive media market, scoops are the currency by which newspapers live and die. Today, the New York Post has scored what may prove to be the definitive journalistic coup in its centuries-long battle for supremacy in Gotham's newspaper market: the EXCLUSIVE story of one lady being mad at another lady, in the supermarket.

As you would expect, the hottest business story on Long Island right now is the ongoing rivalry between traditional breast-ogling wings bar Hooters and its upstart rival, Canz. The gross patriarchal undertones are being analyzed in typical Long Island fashion.

It's a tough(er) time to be a Manhattan hotel maid. First, DSK assaulted a maid; then that Egyptian banker assaulted a maid; by then everyone was so scared that hotels started handing out panic buttons to their workers.

Riverdale, a private school that costs $38,000 per year, is completely incompetent. I draw this conclusion from the fact that I learned that Riverdale "discourages both tutoring and talking to reporters" from a New York Times story focused on the prevalence of tutors among students at schools like Riverdale.

Earlier today, a 29-year-old man jumped into New York Harbor and attempted to swim to Liberty Island, because he believed God wanted him to do that. Luckily, he survived.

Oh look, the New York Times says that NYC's Korean grocery stores are on the wane.

First, Dominique Strauss-Kahn allegedly sexually assaulted a housekeeper at Manhattan's Sofitel. Then, an Egyptian big shot allegedly sexually assaulted a maid at The Pierre. And before that, there was probably plenty of other inappropriate cock-waving towards hotel staffers which we'd rather not even think about, as well. Now, the WSJ reports, both of those hotels have agreed to give all their room attendants "panic buttons."

Get off that bus right now and "get with it," fellow New Yorkers! Nobody rides the bus any more—not even the poors.

Krittika Biswas is a high school senior in Queens and the daughter of the vice consul of the Indian Consulate in New York. Earlier this year, she was perp-walked out of school, arrested, held for a day in central booking, and spent a month at a school "suspension center," all for allegedly sending email threats "with references to rape and prostitution" to two of her teachers. Except she didn't.

New York's War on Smoking has now won the battle of the public parks, sending thousands of grumpy nature-and-cigarette lovers into the packed, hazy city streets. In this shrinking smoke-friendly world, the next big thing is clear: "Snus." Really?

New York City is besieged with them: "The decadent. The depraved. The malodorous, greedy, drunk and demented."

With the stroke of a single attempted rape charge, IMF chief and French political bigwig Dominique Strauss-Kahn has successfully pushed Osama bin Laden out of the top spot in the world's news holes, after more than a week. Here's the very latest morning updates on Strauss-Kahn, a.k.a. "the great seducer."

Yesterday we published the story of a woman in Midtown who received a "sicere solicitation" of love—via business card—provided that she was "Not Compromised." Many readers hastened to send in their own tales of business card-based solicitations!

The rape trial of NYPD officer Kenneth Moreno, accused of raping a drunk East Village woman in her apartment while he was supposed to be, whattayacallit, protecting and serving, is, at the very least, the source of America's greatest storytelling.

Yesterday afternoon, a reader sent us an alarming tale of the perils of love in the big city.

In the cutthroat market for Trend Stories Centered in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, it pays to be the early bird. Not only does the neighborhood, populated by desperately trend-hungry fauxhemians, constantly cycle through the very latest microtrends; but its status as America's prototypical "hip neighborhood" means that even the merest hint of a new Williamsburg microtrend is almost immediately packaged and distributed by the equally trend-hungry media, to be feasted upon by the voyeuristic, trend-hungry public.

Meatpacking District hellhole Tenjune, besides serving as a microcosm of all that's wrong with humanity, is also owned by a dude who possibly likes to jerk off in front of his employees — according to a lawsuit filed by four employees, that is. Mark Birnbaum, the club's co-owner, is facing allegations that he "[M]ade unwelcome sexual advances, requested sexual favors, and engaged in inappropriate and illegal verbal and physical conduct of a sexual nature with plaintiffs, all of whom are young female employees at the lounges." Classy.

Though our nation's education system may be poor in money, and in smarts, we are blessed with a vibrant crop of overqualified, idealistic young people who are willing to take on tough, low-paid teaching jobs in order to make a difference in the world. Let's fire them all.

In normal times, America prefers to confine its armed mumbling lunatics to gun show parking lots and Roger Ailes' house. These are not normal times. Now, armed mumbling lunatics are washing up on our nation's beaches, mumbling and armed.

NYPD officer Kenneth Moreno (pictured) and his partner are on trial for allegedly raping a drunk woman in her East Village apartment in 2008. Moreno is referred to in tabloid shorthand as "RAPE COP," which is maybe a wee bit prejudicial, but, you know, tabloids. Yesterday, Moreno took the stand in his own defense. Her version: she came home drunk, the cops came into her apartment multiple times, and Moreno raped her while she was incapacitated. His version: he is too sexxxy for his own good.