Where is the dark black heart from which all things filthy and corrupt emanate to pollute the souls of our innocent children? Andrea Peyser has found it:

In New York City, the WSJ reports, prescriptions for (generic Oxycontin) have doubled in the past three years. Doubled! There are a million prescriptions in the city now, one for every eight people.

The Upper Breast Side is Manhattan's leading lactation and breastfeeding resource center and retail store with a pun in its name. A valuable resource for befuddled and sore-titted moms. Naturally, a cabal of wealthy bastards want to destroy it.

Remember when you were a teenager and your annoying little brother did something annoying, so in revenge you grabbed his hamster, and killed it? We've all done it. Well now they arrest you for that, apparently. What a world.

Hana Lin, 26, was drinking beer with two friends in their 26th-floor apartment at 101 Warren St. in Tribeca (pictured) early Tuesday morning. They went on a beer run; when they came back, she was gone. She'd fallen over the balcony to her death.

Stephen Levin is the New York City councilman from right here in beautiful Greenpoint, Brooklyn! I remember the fresh-faced, plucky young lad campaigning in the neighborhood just months ago. We Brooklynites show our appreciation to Levin by robbing him repeatedly.

In New York City, regulators are searching for penalties that will discourage taxi drivers from refusing service to certain passengers. Why would a cabbie do such a thing? Let's turn to the comment section of NYPost.com to find out:

Encouraging news from the trend-heavy New York City dating world: single ladies have money now! Seventeen percent more money than their twentysomething male counterparts, according to a study that was immediately seized upon and churned into a New York Post trend story. You know what that means, fellas? Now it's time for you to have a "sugar mama!" Here's the scoop from one wealthy lady who gives her age as "29:"

Cindy Mauro and Alini Brito, the two Brooklyn high school teachers who were fired after a janitor allegedly caught them in flagrante delicto (lesbian edition) right in a classroom, are suing the City of New York for $2 million. Their reputations have now been ruined, as people think they are sexxxy lesbians! When in fact, they say, Mauro was "simply
tending to Brito's needs by giving her candy and sugar," hahahahaha. True quote (of the year)!

The NYPD stopped (and often frisked) 600,000 New Yorkers last year, an all-time high since recordkeeping began in 2002. What percentage of those stops led to an arrest? Seven. Seven percent. The other 93% of the time, the people were not arrested. Because they were not committing any crime. Although they were stopped by the police.

There was a time when Italians lived in Manhattan's "Little Italy." A long time ago. Now, it's just an area called "Nolita" full of rich people and expensive "boutiques" and the Gawker Media offices, and the only real Italian connection left is the annual Feast of San Gennaro, a horrible week-long street fair featuring fried food and seedy carnival games and lots of the same crappy vendors you see at every street fair in NYC, which represents the "true spirit of Italy" about as much as Chef Boyardee.

It was only a year ago that mini blog mogul Dan Abrams and Men's Health editor and serial plagiarist Dave Zinczenko signed on as investors in The Lion, a new downtown Manhattan "hot spot" that aspired to be the next Waverly Inn: a place where media people and minor celebrities go to hang out, and brag about it the next day. How's that going?

In Texas, school districts are so low on money that they're selling ads on school buses, thanks to the "largest cuts to public education since World War II." In New York, many school districts are staring down 14% budget cuts, which educators fear will "widen the funding gap between wealthier and poorer school districts." Federal student aid programs are in for multibillion-dollar cuts of their own. And among the parents of children in Manhattan's most exclusive private elementary schools, a separate, but equally pressing, worry: is Emma beating her peers, enough?

Gather round, children, and listen to the terrifying tale of New York City Housing Authority employee Anthony Dingle: in his workplace of woe, poor Anthony lived in a constant state of dread, fearing the evil cackle of his shrewish supervisor. Career—or calamity? This, we tell you, is a story of the darkest depths of distress and dejection. The story of a man whose boss's voice made him puke.

Tired of high-pitched sirens disturbing the quiet peace of the quaint, idyllic burg in which you chose to make your home—New York, NY? Good news. The NYPD is switching from its old screeching siren to a new brand of siren called The Rumbler. It's better because it rumbles!

Ha, check out this zinger unleashed by short billionaire Michael "Mike" Bloomberg:

The Century Club in Manhattan is a throwback to the romantic days of yore, when men of arts and letters would gather in private wood-paneled rooms next to roaring fires to discuss the intellectual issues of the day. Like how inferior women are! The Century itself started admitting women in 1988, thanks to a court order, but now the woman-issue has reared its pretty little head once again.

Crapola purveyor Wal-Mart is locked in a contentious battle over its efforts to infiltrate NYC. But the company's representatives couldn't be bothered to attend a City Council hearing about Wal-Mart yesterday. Probably because Wal-Mart's already supported by literally everyone.

While attempting to entertain commuters, a dancer misjudged the low height of the subway ceiling and smacked his head. It was probably karma for bringing a loud boombox onto a quiet subway car.

Catfight alert! Here's yet another NYC all-female brawl—this time filmed by Reddit user bearCatBird yesterday on the L Train platform—featuring two ladies going at it until bystanders break them up. Best part: the eye-roll at the :34 mark.