For almost 20 years, I have thought that penis-reduction surgery was a real thing, thanks to the Chinese restaurant scene in Waiting for Guffman, but supposedly a Florida teen just had the world's first. What are you going to tell me next? That vagina enlargements aren't real, either?

The Daily Mail reports that a teen complained to his doctor that his penis was too big for him to play sports or have sex (not that teens should be having sex anyway, but that's another matter for another post). It was seven inches long (which is great for him but not surgery-worthy) and ten inches in circumference (enough to make my butt spontaneously seal itself forever). His doctor described compared its shape to a football. You be the judge:

Other things that various Gawker writers thought it looked like: a baked potato and a football player with a broad chest.

This is something I wondered as soon as I set eyes on that thing, so I was happy to see it answered by the Mail:

Though his penis was so large, it did not grow when he had erections - it merely became firmer.

His penis was once a relatively normal size, but became misshapen after several bouts of priapism. From that point on, he woke up like this. His doctor, Rafael Carrion, said he found no medical precedent for treatment, and ended up cutting through the teen's circumcision scar to remove tissue on both sides. "A bit like having two side tummy-tucks," is how the doctor described it.

Here's the after:

Carrion reports that the teen is "ecstatic" and "all smiles" over his newly manageable penis that remains above average length and thickness.

The moral of the story is: Have a normal dick.

[Top image via Shutterstock; Dick images via The Journal of Sexual Medicine/Metro]