Martha Stewart, the seasoned, meticulous lifestyle expert who once spent five months in jail for lying to federal investigators, does not appreciate human Pilates machine Gwyneth Paltrow's contributions to the lifestyle expert economy. In September, she told Gwyn to "be quiet" and stick to acting.

Gwyn responded through the press that she was "psyched" Martha saw her as competition, which is decidedly not what Martha meant. Gwyn then hired Martha's former CEO to be the new CEO of GOOP.

That's when the great Thanksgiving recipe war of 2014 began.

Martha published multiple pie recipes in last month's Martha Stewart Living under the headline "Conscious Coupling." As you are well aware, Gwyn and her estranged husband Chris Martin "consciously uncoupled" back in March. Here is how Martha describes these beautiful Thanksgiving pies:

Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I'll have what they're having. Our holiday pies honor such partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling so there's a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice these irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.

Lmao Gwyn you got served.

But unfortunately for Martha, GOOP also has a Thanksgiving issue, albeit in paltry email newsletter form. This week, Gwyn published her own list of holiday dessert recipes, including this delicious monstrosity:

Martha may be the superior chef, but Gwyn goes right for the nuts.

[Photos via Getty]