In the summer, Manhattan doesn’t just smell like garbage—it is actual garbage. If you’re stuck in the city while all your friends escape to their share-house hellholes and parents’ country houses, it’s easy to fall for the city’s summer siren call. Outdoor drinking, yoga in the park, free movie screenings, it all sounds so wonderful, right? Sure, I guess—there’s no accounting for taste.

Here are some things your friends will inevitably ask you do. I highly recommend declining, but hey, what do I know?

Rooftop Bars

A fabulous time, if you were hoping to spend your night waiting in line for a small elevator. If you stick it out long enough, the bouncers might even let you push through a huge crowd of people blocking the bar, but hey, you’ll be doing it with a view (of all the homes of the New Jersey residents blocking your way). Alternatively, you could just do shots at home with the window open.

Serendipity 3

So cute! So romantic! So awful! The food is blander than Jennifer Aniston at any given moment, and the yokels still line up around the block. Here’s a newsflash, free of charge: Frrrrrozen Hot Chocolates are just milkshakes, but not as good.

Coney Island

If you’re looking for used needles, have I got the spot for you.

The Gym

Summer’s already half over so maybe just give up on those beach bod fantasies. Let’s be honest: you could spend all day on the elliptical and not look any better than you do right now, so why even bother?

Williamsburg

Williamsburg operates like an idiot safari park. You can roll down your windows, but probably best to stay inside the cab with the doors locked.

Movie Screenings at Bryant Park

Isn’t life grand? We’re going to have a picnic while we watch a movie in the park! No you’re not. You’re going to literal hell, and that’s true even if you like being near strangers. Stay home and watch Bravo or something.

Dominique Ansel, Home of the Cronut

The only point of getting up early to wait on a goddamn line for a croissant-doughnut hybrid is to post about it on Instagram afterwards, and honestly, you’re not cool enough to make that look good. I mean, you look like you just got off a Sex and the City tour bus. Omg you did, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it.

La Esquina

New York’s hottest hidden restaurant is La Esquina, a well-meaning idiot may tell you, possibly by mistake. Enter through the low-key storefront and look for someone who won’t make eye contact with you: she’s your hostess. She’ll escort you to a private elevator and through the kitchen to your table. Why? Why the fuck not. Maybe to distract you from the fact that this Mexican restaurant serves a teeny plate of avocado slices and cabbage instead of guacamole. They’ve been doing it for years, and they’re still getting away with it! Honestly, I have almost a begrudging respect for this racket.

Free Concerts in Prospect Park

There’s a concert happening, but you can’t hear it... Is that a drunk teen peeing on a tree? Finally, some entertainment.

The Highline

For when you want to walk through a boring park, but higher in the air, and you can’t really walk, because it’s so crowded with tourists.

Shake Shack at Madison Square Park

OK to be fair, Shake Shack is fine. A passable burger. But really, it’s not worth the line. And it’s not special anymore. I mean, there’s a goddamn Shake Shack in Moscow, not to mention New Jersey. Also, the fries suck. Just go to JG Melon’s.

Public Pools

Ick.

Hotels with Pools

Good place to buy cocaine (I’ve heard), terrible place to swim. I promise you, there’s pee in the water.

Home

I’m so bored!! It’s so nice out! Let’s do something!!!! Wanna try a rooftop bar?

Image of my own personal hell via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.