Defense Secretary Ashton B. Carter announced earlier this month that by April 1, the U.S. military will open up all combat roles to women. A new study from the Rand National Defense Research Institute reveals how our nation’s elite Special Operations Forces feel about welcoming women into their ranks: HAVE YOU MET MY WIFE?

The study, analyzed here by The Washington Post, was conducted during the summer of 2014. The Rand Institute found that opposition to gender integration existed “in all Special Operations forces, jobs and ranks” with “Navy SEALs, Air Force special tactics team members and mid-ranking enlisted troops” generally the most opposed. Eighty-five percent of those surveyed said they did not want to let women into their jobs, and 71 percent said they did not want to let women into their unit.

SOF operators said they opposed gender integration for various, familiar reasons: women are too sexy, women are too emotional, and uhh, their bodies are weird.

You can read the full study at the Pentagon’s website, but here are some of the most enlightening responses from SOF operators. They are all real.

“It’s going to create so many problems on her body”

Some men were concerned about “the impact that austere environments may have on female hygiene,” or like, uhh, would their vaginas be OK?

“Take hygiene: we shower once a week—this will lead to medical issues.” (E-6, Special Forces)

“When women first were in combat arms in Iraq and Afghanistan, there were women who were not able to properly take care of their hygiene for a set amount of time. They got sick. A woman’s job, or purpose in life, isn’t to go do what we do—kill and all. It’s to nurture. We sleep in the mud. A woman goes through that, it’s going to create so many problems on her body.” (E-6, MARSOC)

“I deployed with a female combat cameraman and we had to medevac her out for a yeast infection, which takes away from the mission.” (E-6, SEAL)

A yeast infection!!!

“What about PMS?”

The study notes that men who were concerned about menstruation affecting a woman’s ability to serve were in the minority. Those men, however, had plenty of examples of why PMS is bad. (MY WIFE.)

“Acting on emotions may be a problem. Judgment may be altered. The effects of combat may have a different impact during those times, I’m not sure.” (E-8, AFSOC)

“And what about PMS and that time of the month? Do we just stock Midol and carry that around with us? There’s nothing good about that.” (E-8, Special Forces).

“I think PMS is terrible, possibly the worst. I cannot stand my wife for about a week out of the month for every month. I like that I can come to work and not have to deal with that.” (E-6, SWCC)

“I have a wife. She’s very independent. But when that time of her month comes, she’s weaker.” (E-5, SEAL)

“The natural attraction is for men to be attracted to women”

Many men were concerned that they would not be able to resist having sex with their coworkers, if their coworkers were women.

“We can’t train the romantic or sexual relationships out of people. Guys will have less trust, and this will lead to a drop in proficiency.” (O-3, Rangers)

“If you put a female in that environment, the natural attraction is for men to be attracted to women. You can talk about professionalism, but ‘Keep your dick in your pants’ won’t be enough when the attraction goes both ways.” (E-5, MARSOC)

Also ladies be tricking men into sleeping with them all the time.

“CSTs are always used as the example in these discussions. I have not been on one deployment where CSTs were not sleeping with someone or got caught up in something like that. Marriages have ended over having CSTs out there.” (O-3, Rangers)

“I think a lot of guys’ wives probably sleep soundly at night knowing there aren’t women around.” (O-3, MARSOC)

Also MY WIFE—TAKE MY WIFE.

“The men who join the SEALs are physical by nature and not so cerebral, so some may break down on deployments and cheat. There’s already enough drama amongst the wives.” (O-3, SEAL)

“Me, I’m getting out. I will walk away from years of service. A lot of guys will do that. There’s no way I’m going to explain to my wife why I’m going to share a hotel room with a woman. I’m not dealing with that. I deal with enough shit. Them or me—that’s the way it works.” (E-6, MARSOC).

“We would have issues with pregnancies”

What happens after sex? Pregnancy—that’s just a fact.

“Now you’re taking someone we rely on. She decides to go out and get pregnant…If she even comes back after that—because now she has a child to take care of—I have lost an asset to the team who is not a one-to-one replacement. There is no one-to-one replacement.” (E-6, MARSOC)

“The issue is readiness. Females would need to be ready to deploy constantly, just like we are. We would have issues with pregnancies, whether they were accidents or intentional. We would lose leaders at the wrong time.” (O-2, Rangers)

“If she gets pregnant, she’ll leave the team. Men don’t leave the team. What if the Team Sergeant is a woman? Or the medic? Whatever cohesiveness is gained in training is lost, especially if the woman is in a key leadership position.” (E-7, Special Forces)

“They’re sisters, not colleagues”

Some men were concerned that they would not be able to resist helping women during missions. (The women would definitely need help.)

“It’s genetically instilled in men to protect women. Having that situation in a combat situation would prove deadly to the unit.” (O-3, SEAL)

“They’re sisters, not colleagues—always something to watch out for.” (E-8, SEAL)

“I was raised to take care of a female, open doors for a female, to nurture and provide. When I look at this other O-4, I don’t worry about him. But if there’s a female in a support role, my mind changes. I want to make sure I know where she’s at.” (O-4, SEAL)

“It’s in men’s nature. Women will get more attention. In combat, if a woman gets hurt, men may drop what they are doing to help her.” (E-6, Special Forces).

“Many of these people have absolutely no respect for females”

Finally, many men were worried that foreign partners would not afford women the same respect they are accustomed to receiving in the U.S. military.

“We work with foreign partners. It doesn’t matter what I think. Many of these people have absolutely no respect for females.” (E-6, AFSCOC)

“The initial impression of a foreign partner is important. Being seen as intimidating, competent, builds rapport from the first good impression. It will be very different if there is a woman on the team. There will be a perception that she can’t fight.” (E-7, Special Forces)

“[Some countries] are basically still savages. They have no respect for women at all. I was doing FID training and was the only white guy/American there. This type of mission wouldn’t work with women.” (E-6, Special Forces)

“We can assimilate, but we can’t force our partners to accept them.” (E-7, Special Forces)

Heh.

Photo via Getty. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.