Image: AP

The Games of the XXXI Olympiad seem cursed for a number of reasons—but this particular tragedy, no one could have foreseen. For this is the tale of proud volleyball mom Cindy Lloyd’s exploded luggage. And shampoo was fucking everywhere.

Cindy, who is staying on a cruise ship in Rio to support her volleyball-playing daughter, Carli Lloyd, was apparently running late last week upon her arrival, so she dropped her bags off “at the cruise ship” before dashing off to her daughter’s first match. When she returned, Cindy was led to an interrogation room and told that her suitcase had been blown up, even though the authorities had already removed the presumably suspicious cell phone.

The quotes that our dear Cindy then gave to The New York Times about the ordeal are, in no uncertain terms, phenomenal. We’ll let Cindy take it from here.

So Cindy, where was your suitcase’s handle?

The handle was nowhere. It was completely blown up. There was some clothing.

And what kind of bomb did they use?

They use some sort of wet bomb...

What?

...I think, because everything was wet. Some of the clothes were salvageable, but some were melted. Some had holes.

But what about your American flag?

My American flag was melted. And all the toiletries with caps had their caps blown off.

What was it like to be interrogated?

They took me back to this room, and there were some really scary people. They started interrogating me. I don’t know who they were, but there were five or six of them, all in uniform. And after about 10 minutes, they told me they blew up my bag.

But hey, at least you have a fun story!

But I didn’t want to have a story. Watching your daughter at the Olympics was a good enough story for me.

If that’s not enough for you, consider the fact that, throughout this entire interview, Cindy “wore a shirt with holes in it because she had not had time to go shopping.”

While we can’t know for sure how her Olympian daughter, Carli, is taking the news, we feel confident that her response is something along the lines of: “Moooooommmm.”

Correction: Counter to what The New York Times reported, Carli Lloyd is in fact a soccer player, not a volleyball player, as we originally wrote.

Correction #2: Apparently, there is in fact a volleyball player also named Carli Lloyd. I apologize to The New York Times for doubting them, though this entire ordeal is Deadspin’s fault. Deadspin regrets the error.