This morning, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something moving on my couch. But this was no ordinary New York City bug-in-the-apartment nightmare. It was a baby lizard, sitting next to me, enjoying the soft cushion of the couch I spent two months debating whether or not to buy, and frankly, I’m not sure what to do about it.

Here’s what I know about the lizard so far:

  • It’s not supposed to be here.
  • It’s about two inches long, including its tail.
  • It has ten fingers and ten toes.
  • It jumped in a bowl like an idiot and now it can’t get out because I’ve trapped it inside with a notebook.
  • It doesn’t appear to be one of New York’s native lizards, nor one of SoHo’s native reptiles.

Here’s what I would like to know about the lizard:

  • How the hell did it get in my house???

Here are some possibilities. I have a dog—maybe she picked up the lizard on the street and snuck her into my apartment? I bought some orchids over the weekend at Whole Foods—could they have harbored the interloper? Perhaps it’s my bad luck—I’ve sensed it for a while, and now it’s revealing itself one creepy crawly at a time?

Deadspin video director Tim Burke, who lives in Florida, believes this is a barefoot gecko native to California and claims it is good, because “they keep your house clean of vermin.” I say, I have no vermin, and I don’t need this tropical amenity in my apartment.

Now what am I supposed to do with this lizard?