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Warner Bros. is using SWAT tactics to prevent piracy of the new Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The studio is deploying night vision goggles to British theaters so that Harry doesn't wind up on street vendors' tables or in the file-sharing network. Vue Cinemas pledged that their begoggled ushers will spend the film's entire two hours and 22 minutes hunting pirates. (Maybe they'll snag a few of those who would try to "enjoy" Hermione's coming of age too publicly—aren't they just pirates of innocence?)

Hmm. Pirates and SWAT tactics. This has Jack Valenti's buccaneer-baiting fingerprints all over it.