The Ted Cruz campaign is reportedly “vetting” former corporate executive and failed presidential candidate Carly Fiorina as a potential running mate, according to The Weekly Standard. We can save them some trouble.

All this talk about investors and cash buyers artificially bidding up housing prices? Ignore it. It’s just talk. Especially to you, since buying’s not an option, because all your money goes to investors and cash buyers as rent. Now, how’d you like to own this pile of bricks in Washington for, like, a million bucks?

On September 1, 55-year-old Peter Hancock will take over as chief executive officer at American International Group, Inc. A Bloomberg profile of Hancock published today wants you to know: This is not your daddy's AIG CEO.

When the corporate economy is booming as it is now, mergers and acquisitions happen. Industries consolidate. The cable industry is consolidating. The media industry is consolidating. And now, even the poor people industry is consolidating.

There's a downtick in Second Amendment paranoia over gun-control legislation that never came to pass, and retailers are jittery about lower gun sales. Says one executive: "[W]e underestimated the decline."

There are two ways to mark yourself as an unrepentant splotchy engorged asshole in a Chipotle. One is to order the quesarito at rush hour. The other is to order anything with a semiautomatic assault rifle in your arms, at the ready. One of these is going away. It's not the quesarito.

Are you rich? No? Then the servicey aspect of this post this probably doesn't apply to you. But if you're rich, you probably want to know how you can be richer, right? Here's the secret: Do less work. And the work you do, do it worse. In other words, be a hedge fund manager!

The economy created 78,000 more jobs than expected last month, and the unemployment level is down to 6.3 percent! Naturally, job-creators reacted by panicking over their future profits and fueling a stock selloff this morning.

Bain Capital—the Romney-built private equity firm that extracts wealth from humanity with the alacrity of an anteater jamming its many-hooked oral proboscis into a lush ant colony—is always looking for profitable trends in the markets. And America's profitable trend today is: hard drugs.

Writers are toddlers. We're pampered, we cry about everything and we like choo-choos. When some of us cried that we should get to ride and write on Amtrak for free, Amtrak said "Okay!" So, fine: Here are more corporations whose largesse could give writers time and space to practice the craft:

Oilmen have quietly obtained government permission to drill the holy shit out of the habitat of the endangered Florida panther. There are an estimated 100 to 160 panthers left in America. But there are something like 150,000 Hummer H2s, so, you know, sorry, big cats!

Papers and pundits screamed it today, in massive headlines. The conservatives cackled it. "OBAMACARE WILL MEAN 2 MILLION FEWER FULL-TIME WORKERS." It was bullshit, born of the media's oversimplification and the right wing's malicious stupidity. The truth is good news.

Breaking: Dictators love really, really, really tall flagpoles. And the one U.S. company that provides them. Wait till you see their Obamapole!

Procter & Gamble revealed Friday afternoon that one of their biggest financial challenges this year will be your disgusting, dirty face. Reanimating the lifeless corpse that is the word "hipster," the consumer company in charge of Colgate, Johnson & Johnson, and Gillette (among others), reported stagnating sales in their typically thriving "grooming market."

There are a couple of ways to react when you learn that the factory where you work is closing, and you and your 1,172 colleagues will soon be jobless. One is to beef up that LinkedIn profile. Another is to rage against the machine.

An editor fired from Byliner claims his severance was withheld because he refused to sign a "non-disparagement" clause requiring him to "never make any negative or disparaging statements (orally or in writing) about the Company" after leaving. German Scheisse porn GIFs don't count as written statements, right?

Do you love Doritos®? Do you love Taco Bell®'s Doritos® Loco Taco®? Do you love Buffalo Wild Wings®? Have you ever wondered why they have like a bajillion wing flavors, but no Doritos®-related corporate tie-ins? Well, friend, do I have good news for you.

How many months does the average full-time McDonald's, Starbucks, Gap, Target or Best Buy worker need to work in order to match what the CEO makes in an hour? Place your bets, then hit the link for knowledge. Depressing, awful knowledge.

Government sucks. Why doesn't it run more like business? Why don't we let business run more of the government? The good news is: We already do. The bad news is: Business sucks worse.

The U.S. Supreme Court said it will consider whether certain for-profit companies must follow the Affordable Care Act's mandate requiring health insurance policies that provide free contraception coverage. This is the first legal challenge to Obamacare since the Supreme Court upheld the law almost 18 months ago.