Here's the real coverage of last night's John Kerry to-do at Radio City Music Hall. Whatever. Here's the story we care about — Gotham publisher Jason Binn, Arianna Huffington, talk show hostette Tina Brown, and Fisher Stevens — from our incredibly malicious super-spy on the inside.

If a terrorist had taken a giant flamethrower to Radio City Hall tonight, there would have been no B-List celebrities left in New York. It really made you realize that no one famous lives in this town anymore, and with presenters like Jessica Lange (Kerry oft-referred to her speech as "touching," though it was clear he must have some weird thing with the King Kong remake) and Chevy Chase (who was straining to see the teleprompter; he looked very confused) this idea was further re-inforced. And as Meryl Streep coaxed tears out of her reptile eyes, the Grand Dame told the audience that Jesus teaches us to "love our enemy." She then proceeded to tear into Bush. Ah, politics!

The Fundraiser wwas drastically not sold-out (Kerry, who looked like a dead person done-up by a myopic Queens mortician said that the event raised $7.5 million; this is true if Harvey Weinstein donated $6 million, but who knows?). So much so that yesterday afternoon every sweaty pol in the five boroughs received a bushel of tickets to give to their college-age staffers. The result: two balconies full of what resembled a Dave Matthews concert, but with sober girls with pant-suits and a Hillary complex. And of course, when Dave and his band of multi-culti troubadours did grace the stage, it was like Saratoga '97, dude, when they played that totally KICK-ASS Ants Marching and Katie got date-raped, sort of.

The Douche of the Night was Jason Binn. He's about as tall as a jar of Icy-Hot and looks like a fig with a facelift. He was affixed to Arianna Huffington all night, who was in turn affixed to Tina Brown and Fisher Stevens. TWICE in the lobby I saw Huffington make like she was ditching Binn, only to have the little spermatazoa literally yell out "Arianna," (the first time), and when she left with Fisher, "Fisher!!!" This second time Binn was talking to a group of over-tanned buttheads who were just waiting for their car to the Hamptons, but the group quickly proceeded to mock him as he ran after Arianna like the pathetic Heather he is.