It's amazing what you can get Intern Neel to do after a few drinks — he was practically begging us to let him go to last night's introductory Kabbalah lecture. We knew, however, that Neel has a history of being particularly susceptible to cults, so we were hesitant. Then we realized that we, like, totally wanted some authentic red string bracelets! After the jump, Neel learns that those little pieces of yarn just might come at the cost of your sanity.

I initially approached the task of reporting on the Kabbalah introductory lecture (also known as "how to gain spiritual enlightenment and personal satisfaction with every facet of your daily life for 10 low, low payments of $27") with a fair amount of skepticism. As my mom always told me, if it smells like a rat, it probably is a rat. Or you re in India. In any case, sitting in work today, with an hour of Kabbalahing behind me, it pains me to admit that I was mistaken: I already feel, like, 10 times better about myself than I did last night. Seriously! Granted, that s because I spent the greater portion of last night hunched over a toilet vomiting up some suspect leftover shrimp scampi, but let s not get technical here. The folks over at the Kabbalah Center on E. 48th street sure don t.

The intro lecture, run by bearded, bespectacled Rabbi Michael Moskowitz (look! He s dapper!), was billed as "the tip of the iceberg" of the teachings of Kabbalah. If that s the case, then there must me a Titanic-sized motherfucker of ice underneath the proverbial surface, cause they sure got a lot of explaining to do to justify the $270 price tag for "Power Kabbalah: 1" (there are 3 levels currently offered at the New York Center, for a grand total of $810).

The fun began before I even entered the lecture room, when Sasha the Volunteer asked me to don a nametag and fill out a brief questionnaire. I quickly jotted down my vital statistics and went to open the door, but was immediately stopped.

"Excuse me," Sasha said politely. "Nel? Noel? I can t read this. It s totally illegible."

Obviously. That was the point. "Oh, I m sorry. Can I fill it out after the lecture? I m already 5 minutes late as is."

"No, just do it now," she responded with syrupy chirpiness. "We need your information. Just take a few deep breathes and relax - you ll enjoy it a lot more if you re calm. I promise." Smile smile wink smile.

Always smiling, those Kabbalah volunteers. Slightly unsettling.

I re-filled out the questionnaire ("Much better!" Sasha told me. "Welcome, Neel!") and took a seat among the 35 other souls in attendance. Surprisingly, the male-female ratio was about 50-50, with a nice mix of singles, gays, and marrieds.
Rabbi Michael certainly seemed to understand the inherent difficulty of distilling the essence of 2,000 year-old scripture into sound bytes palatable for New Age Upper East Side Power Couples With Disposable Income. Distilling his solution for dealing with this problem is not nearly as difficult:

1) Make a declarative statement ("This is not 'spirituality lite.'")
2) Ask the audience a vague question ("Is there a way to connect yourself to your inner self?")
3) Answer said vague question with a vaguer answer ("Yes. The Kabbalah will show you. The key lies in tapping into the Light.")
4) Make another batch of declarative statements that pertain to the first question s answer, causing people to forget about what the answer to the first question even meant in the first place ("The universe is 99% unseen. Fulfillment is in this imperceptible 'other' dimension. Kabbalah teaches you to tap into this dimension the Light").
5) Rinse, wash, repeat.

I give the man credit, though. He convinced at least 5 people to sign up for the class (that s a nice $1350), as well as an Asian dude to buy a $24.95 book entitled "The Way" that must be authentic because it comes with a ringing endorsement from Guy Ritchie on the back, who just happens to be married to a certain well known Kabbalaher (we ll call her "Esther"). Not bad for an hour s work.
I, however, decided I needed more convincing before plunking down one month s salary on something the homeless people on my block could tell me for free. I decided to talk to my friend Sasha the Volunteer after the program ended.

Me: "So, this Kabbalah is something else, eh?"
Sasha: "You ll know what you want out of life afterwards."
Me: "Ok. But doesn t that seem a little intangible?"
Sasha: "Well, I guess, yes. Like I said, it s a way of life."
Me: "So are there any tangible gains of the class?"
Sasha: "Take it and find out!"
Me: "Well, the thing is, it s $270 bucks. I d like to know what I d get out if before. You know?"
Sasha: "Well, have you ever joined a gym? Would you hesitate at paying for that?"
Me: "But I know what I m getting out a gym membership! That s tangible!"
Sasha: "So is Kabbalah!"
Me: (Head hurting. 5 second pause): "But didn t you say before that Kabbalah had intangible benefits? That it was a way of life and whatnot?"
Sasha: "The teachings are. But the gains are not."
Me: "Okay. Um, glad we cleared that up."
Sasha: "So, are you interested in signing up?"
Me: "I think I m good for now."

There you have it, folks. Sign up at your own risk, and don t say you weren t warned.