This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.

With its heat sapped by an utter lack of starpower on the witness stand, The Hollywood Trial of the Century plods onward through a fog of procedural drudgery. Hasn't anyone told the court in Delaware that a good story needs compelling characters in conflict? Sample action from Monday's proceedings;

[shareholder lawyer] Mr. Rigrodsky asked: "You never sought an opinion by outside counsel about whether Mr. Ovitz could be dismissed for cause?" [Michael Eisner's lawyer] Mr. Russell responded that he had not.

Let's sex it up for the copy desk, shall we? At least until CEO Michael Eisner finally takes the stand and ignites the fireworks we've been craving ever since Michael Ovitz's tearful soliloquy about love lost.

Rigordsky: So you mean to tell the court that when you "found" the conjoined twin hooker dead on the floor of Michael Ovitz's office, that wasn't enough to fire him for cause?

Mr. Incredible, star of Disney and Pixar Presents The Incredibles: You want to know the truth? You can't handle the truth, motherfucker. He didn't find the dead hooker. There was no dead hooker, because he ate the dead hooker! Both of them!

Michael Moore as the Judge: (through megaphone) Order in the court! I'll have you thrown in jail for contempt!

We expect no less from the trial's real events once Eisner is under cross-examination.