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After a relatively calm period in Britney Spears-related nonsense, the embattled pop star is now dominating the tabloids like she did in her barefoot-in-the-public-bathroom, Cheeto-gobbling heyday. The latest: Spears and rapidly-obsolescing husband unit Kevin Federline reportedly occupied separate hotel rooms in Santa Monica while their house in Malibu is being renovated to include a new background-dancing studio, and had to call for an "emergency meeting" (we picture a red phone with a direct line to the lawyers that drafted the prenup) with their families to repair their failing relationship. Fair enough. But what about the publicist? How does this latest development affect her? Apparently, this harrowing news drove her completely insane, as the rep tells Page Six:

A representative for Spears said: "Britney and Kevin were at the hotel to celebrate [sister] Jamie Lynn's birthday. An emergency meeting was called, but only because Britney was afraid her dog, Bit Bit, was pregnant by [brother] Brian's dog, Porkchop — and that would be incest.

There you have it: The flack claims that canine incest—and of the imagined, not biological, variety, as the dogs aren't related nor even of the same breed—is the reason for this "emergency gathering." This official statement will surely merit further attention in the New England Journal of Public Relations and endure for years as a case study in the top PR programs at community colleges across the nation. We fear that if the beleaguered rep doesn't take a vacation in the very near future, tomorrow's Spears-related spin will issued on a three-week-old copy of US Weekly, rendered in a combination of barely-legible lipstick scrawl and an interpretive collage of mashed potatoes.