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· The MPAA recognizes longtime chief Jack Valenti by renaming its DC headquarters in his honor. Valenti celebrates the occasion in appropriate (and surprisingly touching) fashion, scrawling his name on the building's cornerstone in the blood of a freshly-slaughtered fourteen-year-old who'd illegally downloaded a bootlegged copy of Batman Begins. Valenti then hastily renamed the building the "Jack Valenti 'Take That, Pirate Motherfuckers' Centre at Respecting Copyrights Plaza," removed his shirt, and challenged all comers to a best-of-three-falls Ultimate Fighting bout. [THR]
· "Stringer fingers electronics slump"— We really want to imagine this headline's intentionally filthy, but are having a hard time imagining a body part that corresponds to "electronics slump." [Variety]
· Martha Stewart plays it coy, refuses to reveal her Apprentice dismissal catchphrase. Our vote goes to "Bite the doily," but she should feel free to invent a punctuating hand gesture. [THR]
· Fox reality incubus Mike Darnell takes American Idol to the next, logical step, planning a spin-off in which celebrities warble out-of-key karaoke songs for charity. [Variety]
· The Jeff Zucker suicide watch begins in earnest, as the tarnished NBC golden boy admits that his network took an even bigger pounding than expected following the upfronts. CBS rival Les Moonves buys his entire staff cupcakes to celebrate. [THR]