Apartment Listings We Wish We'd Seen Before We Moved

Found today on — where else? — Craiglist:
HUGE 2BR apt features:
*OAK HARDWOOD FLOORING
*SOARING CEILINGS
*EXPOSED BRICK
*TRACK LIGHTING
*FIREPLACE
*BRAND NEW KITCHEN w/DISHWASHER
*2 SPARKLING FRESHLY TILED BATHS
*XXX TEENAGE SLUTS RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR
Like doormen, sort of.