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Apparently, the Post has gone to desperate measures to make a profit, refusing to run a very important story online and, instead, forcing you to spend your hard-earned quarters on a paper copy, just to read the following update:

Missing Star Natasha Lyonne is found in Downtown NYC Hospital.
 "American Pie" Star Natasha Lyonne is lying in Beth Israel Hospital's Intensive Care Unit in New York City under an assumed name name, suffering from drug withdrawal and disease.

Poor Natasha — but we saw this coming. Sadly, if you want to help the fallen starlet with her battle against the Post says is Hepatitis C, you're going to have to fork over the pocket change for more details. Rupert Murdoch's Post does tough love like that.