11:00 It s the goddamned Gifford Miller commercial. We instinctively zone out and miss the Martha opener. Thanks a lot, Giff.
11:01 Ah, here we go: The show leads in with some cutesy stupid intro with Mark Burnett, who s wearing a gold ankle bracelet as a cutesy stupid homage to Martha.
11:02 Intro music is Motown-esque (will Google song later), montage-style: photos of her big moments, sentencing, dogs, ponchos, smiles, laughs. You re getting all of Martha, whether you want her or not. How bold. Martha walks out carrying her black French bulldog. Crowd is only slightly less enthused than the usual Oprah audience.
11:03 Opening with a monologue. I am unfettered, I am free, no ankle bracelets. Explains that all producers and staff have fake ankle bracelets, which comes off more uncomfortable than funny.
11:05 We re fully into the obligatory New Orleans reference. Cue moving montage of the beauty and heritage; voice over is traditional Martha monotone: On a recent visit to New Orleans, my day began with caf au lait and a beignet, a local tradition.
11:07 The old stock footage of Martha s time in NOLA (complete with references to some article she worked on in 1991), combined with Martha s voiceover, is sleep-inducing. It s like a bad NPR parody, but not a parody.
11:10 We understand that the hurricane shout-out is obligatory and basically unavoidable, but Martha s flat voice is about as warm as George W s. Yesterday was also 9-11. Thanks, we had no idea. Let's fucking cook something...

11:15 Commercial break has a Martha Stewart/K-Mart ad. Synergy. Marcia Cross comes out, looks lovely. Martha asks, Do you really think your [Desperate Housewives] character is based on me?! Cross responds, Well, uh, that s how it was described to me.
11:16 Marcia has brought Martha a gift: Matching rubber gloves and apron adorned with fake fur. They are promptly fed to Martha s Chow Chow.
11:18 Martha hopes that we all can be a Bree Van de Kamp type once in our lives — I think we have to get some new underwear!
11:19 Time for asserting inferiority: Martha teaches Marcia Cross to fold a shirt, which will help Cross to be the perfect wife.
11:23 Gives Cross a "Martha" t-shirt complete with instructions, on the back, on how to fold a t-shirt. Meta-insulting?
11:24 Martha is teaching Marcia to scramble eggs. Watching the two of them furiously beat yolks is strangely erotic.
11:25 Martha, Marcia. Marcia, Martha. MarciaMarcia, MarthaMartha.
11:26 Martha demonstrates some strange egg cup technique, which strikes us as far too complicated for any meal served before 7pm. You re impressive! laughs Marcia. Yes, I m very impressive, concurs Martha.
11:27 Watching Desperate Housewives, Martha confesses, makes her nervous. We suspect every single story line strikes a chord, especially the one about banging the lawn boy.
11:29 There s a man in the audience! His wife (only a wife could do this to him) is ecstatic, but he looks drugged. The studios are in Chelsea, the show is live if we leave now, we can save him!
11:34 Time for a new feature (aren t they all new if it s a new show?) about what Martha s viewers are cooking for dinner. The first family is proudly left over from the Tony Danza Show.
11:35 Martha surprises the first family at dinner. Hugs! Fun! She helps to offer weed their garden.
11:37 Martha: I like big meatballs!
11:38 Time for Italian card games. Martha sits at a card table, covered with a plastic cloth, and plays with some old men. It s the most awkward thing we ve ever seen.
11:39 I grew up next door to a bunch of Italians, she notes, which gives her about as much cred as a hipster who rents in Astoria.
11:44 Back to the Italians, who are in studio and teaching Martha to make meatballs. Martha is wearing the faux fur apron from Marcia.
11:46 Martha kneads the meat with the Italian ladies. Visually disgusting.
11:47 At this point, it s really clear this half of the show is completely dependent on these ladies, who pretty much steal the segment. Martha notes that they have yet to weed their garden.
11:49 Martha puts the ladies in their place, After today, you re going to be totally famous. And they owe it all to you, Martha!
11:50 Free meatballs for everyone in the audience. Reminded that we have yet to actually eat anything today.
11:53 Martha insists that we must admire her amazing set. Full of so many good things, plugs her GE cooking ranges.
11:54 Set designer wears a coral button-down, giddily testifies that the best part of working on this set is getting to work with Martha.
11:55 Now set designer is wearing a lime green button-down as he talks about the urban country vibe on set.
11:56 Entire crew of electricians and carpenters are herded on stage and applauded for making a set with real running water. They look very frightened, naked without their hammers. Also: they are overwhelmingly white, only a few token splashes of color. We KNEW she was genetically engineering the "perfect" staff.
12:01 Why are we just returning from commercial? Why isn t this over? Thanks to everyone, yadda, just like a SNL closer; tomorrow is Poncho Day with David Spade and Elmo. We can t wait. Actually, we can. But our mothers can't!
12:02 OMG, we totally missed the View.