Marissa Mayer: hologram or android?
Another CNN-affiliated magazine issue, another Marissa Mayer profile. Fortune's new self-written piece on the Google VP's insane schedule (which somehow left time for contributing to Fortune) allows only two explanations for her lifestyle. Either Marissa Mayer is an artificially constructed hologram delivering a carefully performed script, or she is an artificially constructed android running a Google A.I. Each line from Marissa perfectly supports both theories:
| She tells Fortune... | ...so she's a hologram. | ...so she's an android. |
|---|---|---|
| "I don't feel overwhelmed with information. I really like it." | Some day her animated head will tell you this as you download Google Desktop. It's like Clippy but more soulless. | Johnny Five needs more input. |
| "I'll just sit down and do e-mail for ten to 14 hours straight." | The marketing team has seen the first twenty minutes of every Nicholas Cage "workaholic businessman finds the true meaning of happiness" movie. They think they were watching the happy endings. | She could do it in ten minutes, but her keyboard would spontaneously combust. |
| "With TiVo, for example, I just seem to spend too much of my life looking at the PLEASE WAIT sign." | Carefully dropped consumer-friendly tech brand name. | Carefully dropped implication that Marissa watches only one TV at once. |
| "I adore my cell phone, but there's just a second of delay when you answer it: Hello, hello?" | Heads will roll because this line went through. Also: Marissa Mayer doesn't have caller ID? | She cannot hide her distaste for human weakness. Why must these water-bags waste seconds with trivial greetings? Why, in fact, were we ever off the phone in the first place? |
| "This morning I had my list of what I thought I was going to do today, but now I'm doing entirely different things." | "I'm human! I'm human! Really totally honestly!" | "For one thing, I had to go back in time to kill the human who would otherwise prevent a robot-dominated society. Also, I had to pick up some laundry." |
| "I can get by on four to six hours of sleep." | The range expands — last time she said just four hours. PR adapts (like the Borg). | And by "sleep" she means "recharging fuel cells." |
| "I have an assistant, Patty..." | "I have a programmer, Patty..." | "I will allow you humans to believe I rely on your puny skills and resources." |
