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ConFonz is off in his own special universe this week, a world of orgies and extreme public deviance. Before checking into rehab AND a mental clinic, he filed a report from the ongoing Ad:Tech conference that reads like the script for The Aristocrats.

They infested the Moscone center this week. Scuttling in sideways like lobsters, these cretins of sling were firing advertising schlock back and forth across the carpeted blue aisles. They are the all-consuming bottom feeders of the Internet. They are the advertising networks. And they blow whole fields of goats, yet leave them all strangely unsatisfied (Stolen).

The show floor was open until six, but by noon everyone was already hammered. These people are recovering from last night, and today they're just trying to forget what gauge buttplug their new best friend from DoubleClick can take. By 5, it was ugly. Boothes were being pulled down, a frenzy took place at booth 6166, where boxing tickets were being given out. None were left, and the knuckle-dragging BM's (Bachelors of Marketing) were punching each other's cocks over the final pair.

Oh dear god. It gets worse — textually NSFW, hide-it-from-the-boss worse — after the jump.

Brace yourself. This will sting a lot, and it'll leave you feeling full.

Because, everyone needs a date to the fist fest. And they were all looking to get laid tonight. If you can't find a wet hole after three days of monetizing blogs and exchanging PGP keys, you're obviously a n00b. Thursday, however, was the day of rest. The final day of drunkenness, with a smattering of parties in the alleyways.

And, finally, for anyone who couldn't get a wet hole all those other days of the show, the orgy at 111 Minna was the last chance. Admission was membership to the Ask advertising network, and the doorway was blocked off by 1000 pounds of suited, sweaty executives. Inside, it was all butter and crumpets and "How's your penis?" and "Would you like to snort coke off of my asscheeks?" The wine pourers were bare-assed naked and pissing in everyone's faces, while the VP's of marketing were shouting "I know a great bathroom stall!"

The wine wasn't bad, the schwag was shitty to non-existent (Fuck you too, Google), and the conference was iced with this overheard bit:

"I've never seen it this big before!" said the redhead as she peered inside the doorway of 111 Minna, obviously referring to the naked, fat mass of ad monkeys writhing in cooking oil.

"It was, BACK IN THE DAY BACK IN THE DAY!!!!" came the shouted response chorus from two white guys in suits, who got all black with it. These two later sucked each others cocks outside of the Thirsty Bear. Some pervert paid them $15 bucks to watch, but you could see it all for free from across the street.