Topless drawler Matthew Mcconaughey is now the “creative director” for Wild Turkey bourbon, producing this ad in which he declares, “I found a story here in Wild Turkey.” Now see if you can tell it without talking, man.

I noticed the window display you see above at the Union Square American Eagle store while walking to work one day last week. It looks a lot like the streetwear brand Supreme, which is to say it looks like the work of the artist Barbara Kruger. A ubiquitous clothing line seducing its customers with the visual language of art, borrowed secondhand from a trendier competitor: this is what Kruger herself might term “a ridiculous clusterfuck,” and it’s exactly the kind of clusterfuck she examines in her work.

“Sprite,” the sweet nectar that is sucked from the veins of rappers by advertising industry vampires, has claimed another victim.

Do you enjoy the exquisite thrill of the hunt? Do you crave the visceral experience of—using nothing more than your wits and a weapon—stalking the most dangerous game of all: cow?

A low point of the American experiment.

There comes a time in the life of every person or youth-oriented organic energy beverage brand when one must reckon with the loss of some previously cherished idea. A young woman realizes that she is no longer in love, or that her religion is now meaningless to her; the organic energy beverage brand that wishes to authentically connect with her as a customer realizes that throwing hundreds of dollars at some dick with a man bun and a few thousand Instagram followers may not be the best way to do it. Friends and beverage brands, that day of reckoning is today. We must throw off the shackles of our relationships and our assumptions and baptize ourselves anew in the fires of whatever bullshit is the next big trend in youth-oriented marketing. We must understand, right here and right now, that “influencers” are not going to save us.

When it comes to shelf-stable macaroni and cheese products, today’s consumers expect a premium brand offering a premium product. That’s what makes it so exciting to be alive in the United States of America in 2016.

Atop the New York Times homepage today is a banner ad for the Broadway play “Shuffle Along” that clicks through directly to this week’s New York Times Magazine story about “Shuffle Along.” That’s... very synergistic.

An ad agency in London owned by Vice Media is now doing work for the tobacco giant Philip Morris International, the world’s most popular cigarette manufacturer.

In one short month, Vice Media’s new cable network “Viceland” will launch. It has a business model that could revolutionize television advertising.

People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.

Imagine the predicament of the Harley-Davidson Corporation: every paunchy middle-aged biker dude already owns your product. Where to find sales growth? Ladies? Hello?

Hee hee, ha ha, the New York state lottery has a new series of television ads coming out that pokes fun at the idle rich. Oh ho! Lottery advertising executives should be locked in jail for fraud.

Don’t you hate it when you’re out with your wife for lunch and you walk up by the dessert counter and then who do you see? Tim—the guy who can’t shut up about pneumococcal pneumonia.

A group trying to entice “Diamond” Joe Biden into the presidential race is making the vice president an attractive offer: run, and we won’t show this dramatic television ad about your dead wife and daughter.

*******PRECIOUS SILENCE*******

Moments after the Supreme Court guaranteed everyone in the country the right to marry the person of their choosing this past Friday, gay America’s greatest allies sprung into action, loudly broadcasting their support for the decision. Without a thought to detractors, without a worry about the shrinking minority of people who oppose same-sex marriage, brands everywhere stood up and took a brave stand by changing their Twitter avatars to include rainbows.

“Three Hidden Reasons Why Brands Struggle with Authenticity.” All three reasons are “Brands are illusory constructs built upon a foundation of cynicism for whom the concept of ‘authenticity’ is wholly nonsensical,” but it doesn’t say that in Ad Age for some reason.

This month, New York advertising man and chronicler of the wealthy set Richard Kirshenbaum (pictured) published a new book, “Isn’t That Rich? Life Among the 1%.” We tried to interview him about it. It did not work out.

If you are a member of the savvy “millennial” generation you stand for two things: authenticity, and hipness. And you know god damn well in your little black hearts that no bank is more authentic—and hip—than Bank of America.