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While Tom Cruise holes up in his compound and selfishly withholds all information about his alleged offspring from the world, Hollywood veteran and proud older dad Michael Douglas can't wait to let the world know about all the wonderful things his kid is up to:

The star explains, "I took my kids down to the ocean the other day and we had a little problem - we have jellyfish. I got stung actually pretty bad, across my back just last week. There's sort of a remedy that we've all heard...urine. It's the remedy if you have a bad sting.

"So I asked my five-year-old son if he would pee-pee on my back. He looked at me like he'd gone to heaven. He was like 'This is what I call a good summer holiday! Pee-pee on daddy's back!' I don't know if it helped at all, but my son was happy. We'll work it out in 20 years (when he's in therapy)!"

When he graduates from kindergarten and into full-time therapy, we're sure Douglas' son will have plenty of questions to tackle with his mental health professional, such as, "Did Daddy cynically tell the reporter I liked peeing on him so that he would laugh and be nice to his movie, or does he just have no boundaries after spending an entire life in Hollywood?" or the more lingering dilemma, "Why do I get older on each birthday, but Mommy and Daddy get younger?"