Blue States Lose: In the UK They're Called "Fags"
T.G.I.F. right? Thank fucking GOD! We are dying over here. But you know, the sweet doesn't taste as good without the sour. The sunshine is never as bright as after the rain. What we're trying to say is you have to look at some hipsters now, and that sucks, but when you're done doing that the week will be over and you can have a tall boy to wash the taste of over-inflated self-worth from your mouth. After the jump, Alex Blagg goes through the week's best (worst, what's the difference?) party pics from The Cobra Snake, Last Night's Party, and Misshapes. Pour some of your tall boy out for the poor guy, you bitch.
10. The Cobrasnake. Taxi Cat photo #1449: Since the Documentarians of Douche were both in London this week (and the MisShapes were too busy being fucking fabulous to post any pictures), we're taking a Blue States Lose field trip across the pond to see if England is anywhere near the cutting edge of amazing we've established here in the States. The first thing that strikes me is how cool the Brit hipsters look smoking their cigarettes, which is something our foolish laws prevent us from getting to see every week. Take this couple for example. Without the nicotine, he'd be just another drug dealer in aviator sunglasses and white linen, and she'd be just another coke whore trading her body for free ski. But throw a couple Marlboro Light fags into the equation and they're magically transformed into the Bonnie and Clyde of staying up all night and having inane conversations with idiotic people while chain-smoking.
9. The Cobrasnake. Taxi Cat photo #1583: "Heyyy, I know you! You're the people who look at my picture every week with complete disdain, as I'm the living manifestation of everything you suspect might be wrong with civilization. My silly jewelry, polka dot dinner jacket and totally bitchin' shades are more to you than just unnecessary accessories - they're symbols of the crippling resentment you feel every time you make the mistake of abandoning the safety of your apartment. What's up, man? Wanna beer?"
8. Last Night's Party. Amtrak photo #8052: The latest addition to Last Night's Party's new photo essay "Wasted Chicks In Bathrooms (of Mass Transit Vehicles)" is this stunning portrait, reminiscent of Narcissus, in which a young foundling stares at herself in a mirror, enamored with her own idiotic beauty, plaintively wondering why the fuck she has a wet paper towel stuck to her tits.
7. The Cobrasnake. Calling Any Candymen photo #2726: Looking at some dude with fake jewelry sparkling all over his teeth side-by-side with Steve Aoki and trying to determine which person is dumber produces an effect similar to taking mushrooms and staring at an MC Escher drawing. If I was still in high school, this would be amazing.
6. The Cobrasnake. Relax London photo #8511: You think this dude is interested in your fucking Sugar Free Red Bull? The brand new G n' R "Appetite For Destruction" shirt he bought for 29 pounds at Hot Topic on the way over is all the energy this champion needs, thank you very much.
5. Last Night's Party. Ben photo #1055: If you're a good partygoer, the nice blonde side will hand you a Bass bag and smile gingerly. But if you're a bad partygoer, the dark-haired punk princess will throw one of those bags over your head so you're shrouded in complete darkness as she eats your soul.
4. The Cobrasnake. Trashed Jumanji UK photo #2234: After all those pretentious-ass Apple ads where the dude from Ed is skateboarding and doing cartwheels and shit to make some lame implication that "cool people" only use Macs, it's nice to see the PC world fighting back with this type of message. Sure the "Dell Dude" is kind of annoying, but look at these fucking wankers.
3. Last Night's Party. Ben photo #1068: This girl went to London to study abroad back in the summer of '96 and she's just having too much fucking fun to even think about coming back. Sure, her parents miss her and the Topeka Rave Scene just ins't the same without her, but she's still got so much growing to do, and so much more to learn. You guys just couldn't understand. Living in London is so, like, liberating.
2. The Cobrasnake. London Trash photo #1963: After finally managing to find a shirt as retarded as he is, this dude is gonna wear it all the time, proudly, and there's nothing you can fucking say or do about it. Besides, criticizing the mentally disabled just isn't cool.
1. The Cobrasnake. Relax London photo #2370: Remember all those PSAs back in the 80's where the teenage girl would see some studly dude across the room with a totally hot bod, then would push her way past all those kids in ridiculous clothing with bad haircuts, and when she finally made her way up close enough to talk to her newfound crush, he would produce a lit cigarette out of nowhere and take a really long and cool puff of it, leaving her disappointed because everyone knows that smoking just isn't attractive?. Well, everyone is wrong - because sometimes when you walk across that room, what you discover is far more gorgeous and mesmerizing than anything your adolescent little mind ever thought fathomable. Though on the other hand, I bet that scenario is why this chick doesn't get laid more.