Lies Well Disguised: The Balvenie Weenie
Snuggle. Mr. Opportunity. These are numbers two & three on my all-time makes-me-curse-out-loud ad icons list. Number one is the Balvenie Guy. Or, as I call him—the Balvenie Weenie .
The bow-tied, mouthless cartoon character shows up about once a week on page three of the Wall Street Journal holding a tumbler of Balvenie, the "single malt with unmistakable character." Single malts are for pussies, so I've never tried Balvenie. But, if the hooch tastes anything like this DoucheFace's personality, I'd need a spit bucket.
Let's examine the smooth peaty pickup moves of the Balvenie Weenie.
These two ads appeared in the Journal six months apart, the one on the left first. Either importer William Grant & Sons couldn't afford to pay for another drawing, or their Weenie returned to the same spot in the same bar to hit on the same woman after whiffing badly the first time.
Scene #1: The first mistake the Balvenie Weenie made that evening was not gargling the stench of Hamburger Helper out of his nonexistent mouth. The second was to anthropomorphize a fucking bottle of scotch, though he probably has tried jerking off with it Fleshlight style. The woman placed her unfinished drink on the bar and left without her coat...
Scene #2: After making a very small online trade, the Balvenie Weenie again heads out to nurse his one drink for the evening. This time, he manages to get the woman's name and the below gem of a turn of a phrase then pops into his head and out of his non-mouth. Amber's got a comeback line though:
"It's also the color of my Chlamydia discharge..."
If you feel like it, please play Amber in the comments.
94 years ago, liar H.K. McCann launched his NYC ad agency with the slogan "Truth Well Told." That was a Big Fat Lie. Advertising copywriter copyranter brings you instances of Ad Lies and the Lying Liars who sell them.
