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Busy readers bombarded by today's Oscar coverage hardly have the time to devote ten seconds to the information imparted by CNN.com's always helpful Story Highlights box, much less an entire article warning Middle America that a tuxedo-clad lesbian determined not to offend them will be hosting the show. With those attention-deficited people in mind, we further condense their bullet points into a more quickly digestible form:

· Host will not be funny
· Host is a lesbian
· Host is a lesbian
· Winners: Shut the fuck up

You are now adequately prepared to enjoy the Oscars telecast.